21Jan   Not the Best Way to Start the New Year

How do you explain to the person you love, that you’re miserable? It’s not that I don’t want to be with him or that he’s not a good person or that he’s done anything wrong. It’s none of those things in the least. He’s a great guy and I love him to death. There are just things that… I guess are hard to be to deal with and I just feel like I can’t talk to him about them…

Like, online, I can’t tag him in anything, at all. I can’t upload pictures of him or us and I definitely can’t set my profile picture to one of us together. Definitely not. I did that once and he wanted it down immediately… And I told him around Christmas time that I was gonna make a picture we took as my profile picture and he immediately shot that down. It’s basically like the only way any of my friends are allowed to know who he is, is if I message them privately or introduce him to them face to face. When it comes to his friends, he has to introduce them to me face to face. And he never really introduces me or tells any of them that I’m his girlfriend or even who I am…

One instance really bothered me. There’s a Giant store near his house and he will not go in there with me. Ever. He says he just doesn’t like shopping there because he knows gossips that work there but I mean like come on! Who cares? It’s like he doesn’t want to be seen with me… Like he doesn’t want certain people to know that we’re together… He says that I’m not a secret but what else do you call it? It sure feels that way. I know he’s not cheating on me, but honestly, that doesn’t make me feel any better at all…

That’s not even the only issue either. There are a lot of times where he doesn’t even want to take pictures with me. He’s just “not in the mood”… To me, doing something like that is special. That’s like going in for a kiss and him saying “I’m not in the mood.” And turning his head away… It’s crushing…

Something else that bothers me, it’s more of a personal issue honestly. He has two boys. Don’t get me wrong! His kids are adorable and they’re great! They’re just like him. It’s adorable really! Lol The issue is that he had them with his ex… And since he has two kids already, he doesn’t want anymore for a long time… He doesng want anymore for at least 5 years if not more. He wants to wait till his oldest his 10… For the record, that’s 7 years away from now…

I’m ready to start planning my family now. I want a baby of my own. The worst part is that I don’t even know if I could ever carry a child to term or even how fertile I am. He doesn’t want to deal with any of that cause he’s not ready for kids. But fertility treatments are better to get sooner rather than later and I want a big family… So it’s just… I see his kids and while I love watching him play with them, it makes me miserable… A part of me hates hearing about them or seeing them because I want my own and I don’t even know if I can have any…

I just feel like such a terrible person for feeling this way too. I’d never want anything to happen to those boys. If there was a magical way to make them disappear, I wouldn’t want that. I love seeing how happy they make him. But at the same time, it hurts. You know? That’s not his fault or their fault or anyone’s fault. It’s just how I feel.

What I think makes me feel the worst, is that there’s nothing him and I could ever do that him and his ex haven’t already done. No, there’s one thing, and that’s get married, but… I dunno… Compared to other things, that seems like the least important… All the things important, he did with her first. Like move in together, plan a family, start a family, have a long term relationship, go to family gatherings, etc. He’s already done it all so it just feels so unimportant and so un-special to do them. Like they don’t mean anything cause he’s already done it before…

On another note, my alcoholism is getting worse. I’ve been moving towards it more and more for my depression. Ironically, alcohol isn’t supposed to be a depressant, but it sure makes me feel better! Lol Still, I know I have a problem but honestly, I don’t even want to deal with it. It makes me feel better and what’s wrong with that? I’m depressed about life and my living situation and just… Everything. At least when I’m drinking, I’m not depressed anymore.
Even if I wanted to get help though, there’s no one to even talk to about it. Ricky is an enabler cause he doesn’t believe I’m an alcoholic. I know what I am. He simply believes that since I don’t drink all the time, that I’m not an alcoholic but that’s just not how it works. Just like an addict will always be an addict. Even after 10 years off the drug, they still have to resist it every day because they’re still addicted to it. It’s the same. He just doesn’t get that.

Finally, I’m dealing with anorexia. I learned that being anorexic isn’t just about actually losing the weight and all. It’s about how you actually see your body. No matter how much you weigh or how thin you are, you’re just never thin enough. You just continuously see yourself as fat. That’s exactly how I am. Even when I was 95 lbs all I saw was fat. Even now when I look back at pictures, I still just see fat. I see less fat, but there is still just way too much fat. So right now, I’m at 122 lbs which is supposedly a healthy weight for someone of my height and age but all I see is someone whose fat as fuck and needs to lose a good 20 lbs.

So, I’ve started an 800 calories per day diet. It’s going so so. I’ve already been told it’s not healthy and I don’t care. I just need to lose weight. By any means necessary. So yeah. Here we are.