11Nov   A Tangled Web of Emotions

Is it bad that I’m sick of my boyfriend’s money spending even though he has bills to pay? I mean, I get that he wants stuff and that he finds some really great deals on stuff, but come on. He has bills to pay, a lot of which he’s behind on. His credit needs work because of his bills, but still he goes out and buys stuff that he really doesn’t need. It would be one thing if it was something he did on occasion, but it feels like every damn paycheck, he’s spending it on a bunch of stuff that aren’t his bills!

Like, perfect example, he’s plastidipping his car, black and green. This couldn’t wait? Obviously not. He also bought a new amp for his car and a new rda (it’s for vaping). He doesn’t need this stuff and a lot of it is expensive or adds up. And this is just some of the stuff that he’s been spending his money on.

What bothers me though, isn’t just the bills that he’s not paying, but also the fact that when I want something, he doesn’t have the money. His response is always that “I’m broke.” I’m broke too, but I still buy him things and pay for his stuff. It feels like he never does that for me. He’s always way too broke. But he’s got enough to be able to buy all this other stuff…

So yeah, I’m kind of upset over it. The most he’ll buy me is some food… That’s it. But he can get himself cigs all the time and all this other stuff. He smokes sometimes up to 3 packs a day in cigs. They’re like $6 a pack. At least.

And i guess I just feel like I’m more broke then he is, but I spend way more money on him then he has ever spent on me. I don’t ask for anything. I’ve asked for 1 thing. A pair of winter boots. They’re $34 at Target. And he’s too broke to buy them, but could buy a $50 amp for his car that he doesn’t need.

I took him to six flags and paid for everything while we were there, even the think that he promised to pay for. I did.

It’s not just about the money though. It’s also about the effort he puts in. It feels like he only puts in any real effort when I’m upset and want to break up with him. Like this past Sunday, our property manager trashed our bedroom and stole stuff. He knew what happened and the mess that I had to clean up. I’m sick as a dog with a sinus infection and bronchitis. But what did he do? Oh no. He didn’t want to come over to help me or anything! He cared more about getting a new tattoo…

Only after his buddy said that he couldn’t do the tattoo that night, did he come over. And he only came over because it was on his way to VA where he was going. So he didn’t go out of his way or anything. And then what did he help clean up? He moved like 5 boxes for me that I couldn’t lift. He wouldn’t move any of the stuff out of our room that I needed out of the way or anything. So he did the bare minial.

I try to always be there when he needs me. I drop everything for him when he needs it. If feels like he doesn’t ever do the same for me unless I’m ready to give up on us and walk away.

There’s also been two incidents with his ex (baby mama) where he totally disrespected me and our relationship. Like, she told him that she knew about his little girlfriend (me) and he told her that he didn’t know what she was talking about. The second time was when she asked him if he could see him and her being a family again. He didn’t answer. For any girl, we all know that’s a yes. Guys don’t think that way, but girls do. Like, he talks about wanting to marry me and what not, but like… you can’t even tell your ex that you have a girlfriend?

I get that he’s having issues with her regarding his two sons and custody but come on. She already knew about us! It was one thing when he just didn’t want to tell her yet, but to outright deny it! And then to even go so far as to not tell her no about being a family again?! Like what?

He says that he’s worried about pushing me away. He thinks that it’s the fact his ex is in his life that pushes me away. It’s not. I get the ex completely. She’s the mother of his two sons and I get that. I’m totally okay with that. I’m fine with her being in his and the boys life. I’d never want to come between that.

What pushes me away is what he does and doesn’t do. He does things that he knows hurt me and then just apologizes and that’s it. He doesn’t do anything to fix it. He told me Sunday that he told the ex that he is planning a future with someone else, but he only said that after I asked. Usually he just BAM! Tells me. So I don’t believe him.

I trusted him. I really felt like I could. But that was before. Now, I can’t even trust him when he tells me things. Especially when it has to do with the ex. I just find that I don’t believe him anymore.

His actions push me away. Not the situation with his ex or the custody issues he’s going through. It’s not his lack of money or his dead end job. It’s not his demons. None of those things push me away. All those things I could handle. I can handle them any day. It’s the things that matter, like what he says when I’m not around. It’s what he does and doesn’t do, the little things that just take effort, they’re what’s pushing me away.

I mean, just last night, I told him that I was depressed. He asked why and when I told him, he just said “welcome to my life” and then said that he was going to bed because he had to be up early. I needed him and he just… didn’t care. He wasn’t there. I needed him and just… that was what I got. Nothing. For the first time in over a year, I’m really considering cutting again and he couldn’t even be there for me when I needed him.

I’m there for him to the best of my ability and he just isn’t. He’s there at his convenience. When it works for him. He doesn’t even send me good morning texts anymore like he used to.

So yeah, I dunno… I love him. I really do. But I can’t force this shadow away anymore then I already have. Even when I’m with him, it just lingers. I can’t erase this all from my mind like I wish I could.

He told me that I should listen to my heart instead of my mind. Well, my heart loves him and wants to keep giving him chances, but my mind says drop him. That said, even my heart can’t deny this doubt that I feel inside of me. I can’t just push away these negative feelings and vibes that I’m getting. I hate it. I don’t know what to do.