● January 25th, 2015
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icon A lot has happened this month that’s kept me pretty busy. Yet at the same time, I’ve been incredibly bored. I feel so helpless and out of control of my own life. I had promised myself that I wouldn’t feel this way again, but here I am.

I mean, my truck was totaled, there’s nothing that insurance is going to do towards getting a new vehicle. We didn’t even have personal injury protection with our insurance. I shouldn’t have let mum set up the insurance without talking to her about what was included. <-<

Now though, I can't afford another vehicle. I mean, if Joey would pay me back my money, then I could have bought another vehicle right away. No problem. That's not the case though. So I'm kind of stuck in a real bind here. I'm not going to message or call him about it though. I mean, he changed his number and I have it, but... I'm trying to respect his space and all. He's mad at me for whatever reason and doesn't want me around. So I'm giving him space and leaving him alone. It's not like nagging him will get me my money honestly. It'll just piss him off more and that'll make the situation worse. I promised to leave him alone for a while, so that's what I'm doing.

Honestly, it's fine really. For once, I really don't care if he's in my life or not. Lol =^-^= I'm really happy about that! Yeah, there are times when I miss him, but it's not where I want him back anymore. In that respect, I'm happier now. I've really thought about things. Joy and I had some great times and I'd never take them back. However, he really had a habit of making me feel bad about myself. It's like he was destroying me from the inside.

Looking back, I noticed it had been like this for a while. Even when we were still hanging out. By the time we stopped hanging out, I felt miserable with myself. He made me feel so worthless. I know he wasn't trying to make me feel that way on purpose. I know him way better then that, but that's just how it turned out. At that time, we were toxic for each other. I didn't treat him right and he didn't treat me right. I hurt him and he hurt me. Simple. I never want to go back to that kind of relationship though.

Since then though, things have changed. I've found happiness in myself. I found ways to make myself happy. Sadly, most of those ways involve not being home. Lol I do have some good news about that. My dad, yes, I said my dad! He says he’ll replace my Chevy Blazer with a GMC Jimmy. :) I’m happy about that. I really like Jimmy’s. So I’m really excited. Dad has been a huge help with the truck and just everything. He’s been super nice too! It’s actually fun to be around him and I want to see and hang out with him more! :D That’s a first for me honestly cause usually we never get along.

I’m really hoping that I’ll have the new truck by Valentine’s day so I can hang out with either my boyfriend (if I have one) or whomever decides to take me out. :) I’ve already had a few guys invite me to go out someplace this Vday. Of course, boyfriend gets first rights. Otherwise I’ll just choose which guy I’d like to spend the day with. :love: I’m really hoping I’ll have my truck by then. I spoke to my dad about it and he said that’s a possibility. So I’m keeping my fingers crossed!

Of course, during this, one thing I’ve learned is that I really like having a boyfriend who has a vehicle. My recent boyfriends have not had vehicles. :/ And I’ve found that I’ve really missed it. Cause it’s like, I want to see my boyfriend and I can’t because he doesn’t drive and I don’t have a vehicle. It sucks.

Besides just boyfriends though, I need a vehicle myself. We finally moved and we’re not living in the middle of basically no where and that really sucks. There’s no place around and you can’t walk anywhere. We also learned that we actually aren’t even allowed to live here due to the trailer park rules. So our new landlord never looked into this. There’s also no cable or internet as promised. That just makes life so much more difficult really. :/ It’s just been really hard.

So right now, without a vehicle and due to the multitude of situations, I’m just feeling a little bit down. I’m working on it, I guess though. Or at least to the best of my ability. I can only do the best that I can.

m4s0n501

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