25Jul   Some Crazy Feelings

icon I feel like I never blog anymore. In fact, it feels like I never do anything anymore. In one way, I’ve been so busy that I have a hard time even wrapping my mind around what’s going on in my life. On the other hand however, it feels like my life has become so dull and empty, like I’m not doing anything at all. In a way, it’s a bit of both. I’m doing lots and nothing.

The hardest part about all of this is that I’ve been really depressed lately. That’s just made my life so hard. I’m unmotivated to do much of anything at all. Anymore, all I want to do is sleep and lay in bed. I’m unmotivated and just… empty. I find myself crying over stupid things. I’ve become terrified to even lay down to try and go to bed because that’s when I become so overwhelmed by my thoughts… It’s horrifying. I just don’t know how to handle, let alone how to manage all these thoughts that are racing around inside my head. It feels like an endless maze and there’s no escape insight. An endless vortex of thoughts, one after another until I’m finally able to pass out. I’m so afraid to lay down to go to sleep anymore.

When I’m actually asleep though, it’s relief. I dream of nothing. It’s just emptiness. Or at least, I no longer find myself remembering my dreams as I always used to. I guess I’m too anxious and stressed. It’s a relief in some way though because it’s the only time I find peace. So when I finally wake, it’s like opening up my eyes into a nightmare that I keep returning to.

Even doing things that do make me happy, it works for a time and than I go right back to being depressed. No matter what I do, I just can’t manage to get out of this slump. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I have a doctors appointment on the 31st, so I’m thinking about going back on my anti-depressants. I don’t know what else to do at this point really. I’ve been off those medications for many years now. I had learned how to manage my depression on my own and figured out how to handle it my own way. Now I just feel lost and confused and just… so stuck. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I guess I feel lost.

I have friends I could talk to about it but there’s just… nothing left that I could or can say. I don’t know why I’m depressed and at the same time, I do know why I’m depressed. Or at least I know part of the reasons. I just… I just don’t feel like I can manage to talk to anyone about it. I don’t really want to and yet, I do. I wish that I had someone I could talk to about what’s going on inside my head. What I feel like I’m dealing with. I wish that I had someone to talk to about all this but I just don’t feel like I can.

Don’t get me wrong! It’s not that they make me uncomfortable! It’s not that I feel like they’ll judge me or anything like that because I know they won’t. I have friends who will comforting, some that’ll be painfully honest with me, and others that’ll just be supportive but… I just… I just can’t bring myself to talk about it or this to anyone right now. I don’t know why. It’s nothing they did or didn’t do, it’s just me. I just feel alone in this and it’s not their fault.

I just wish that I knew what to do. I guess I’m keeping too many secrets from everyone at this point. I’m hiding things and though they wouldn’t hurt anyone, keeping them secrets is hurting me. I guess. I’m just a little lost right now. Even with my best of friends, I don’t know why I don’t want them to know or why I don’t want to talk to them about this stuff.

Hopefully these feelings will pass. Hopefully everything will pass and I can go back to how things were. I just… I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on with me or what’s wrong with me. I just know something is wrong and I don’t know how to handle or deal with it… I wish I had answers… But I guess I’m the only one who can give myself these answers but I’m also the same person who doesn’t know the answers. haha… I guess that’s just a nasty circle of confusion right there, huh?