A lot has been going on in my life right now. Things are really changing. I’m really dealing with a lot. I’m experiencing new feelings that I don’t know how to explain. Maybe its love, but I doubt that. I don’t know though. Everything in my life is just so crazy. Things are up and down. My feelings are the same. In a way, I wish prince charming would come around. Just pick me up and save the day. I guess that’s kind of silly to say though, huh?

Right now, I’m feeling dizzy with thoughts and confusions. I’m feeling over whelmed and somewhat lost. I feel found and lost at the same time. It feels like nothing is right and everything is wrong. Saying that, it feels like things are perfect with no errors. Everything is so confusing. I don’t know how to explain it at this point.

I have a lot going on in my life and I’m not sure how… I’m not sure if this is right. Is this a good change or a bad? Will I benefit or hurt? My heart is tangled and so are my feelings.

I’m just babbling now. xD So I’ll stop. I guess I feel feel the need to try to work this out and typing it out is like talking about it. It helps. Even if most of this makes no sense to anyone who reads. Its helping me in some crazy messed up way! lol

With that said, it sucks because when they’re here because him and I can’t just be alone. It wouldn’t be so bad if he made his kids go to BED in a BED. Rather, he lets them sleep on the couch. That just really stops all of the fun. I don’t mind his kids being here, I really don’t, but they’re here all of the time! Ed doesn’t even have custody of his kids. His wife does—this was Ed’s choice as she makes more money then he does. So he thought they would have a better life. He does pay support, also by his choice.

Ed is a great guy, but some of what he does bothers me. I don’t know, maybe we’re not meant to be. Honestly, I never expected us to last forever or anything. I really, really care for him though. He makes me happy no matter what. He holds me and makes me feel protected. He makes me feel so pretty. He makes me want to do things that I’ve never done before. I can’t explain it. He makes me happy though. With that being said, he also makes me sad.

He disrespects me often. Though he respects me too. Maybe I’m justifying the wrong he puts me through. I want to be with him, but at the same time, I know that he probably isn’t the right one for me. I guess you could say that I’m conflicted, very conflicted. He doesn’t respect my views or me.

I guess I’m getting off subject. This was about his kids and now its about him. Maybe I have lots more problems with him then I realized. Maybe that just says something. I don’t know. I just don’t know. My feelings for him are so strong and I so desperately want to make this work. But it seems like I’m the only one trying. Maybe he is too. I don’t know. I can’t read his mind. Though, I do wish that I could.

He once, well, twice, told me that he was falling in love with me. I don’t believe that’s true. I do believe he cares for me though. He’s told me many times that he worries when I leave and disappear. Maybe I’m just in denial of the truth. I don’t know. I’m confused and conflicted. Its like a tug of war with myself. A tug of war that I can’t win or lose. I just feel stuck.

Mum was sick yesterday, so she was trying to sleep and rest. It was some 24 hour bug. You know. *shrugs* Anyways, Ed’s kids, Boo, Brandy, Noah, and Emily were all here. As if three kids aren’t bad enough. Well, correction, Emily isn’t that bad. She’s pretty quiet and is a good kid. She mostly just watches TV and plays on her cell phone quietly. So I can’t complain about her.

Boo, Noah, and Brandy aren’t so good though. No. They are loud, rude, disrespectful, messy, inconsiderate, and just over all awful to deal with. They are HELL.

All yesterday, they were blasting the TV as they played video games. They kept screaming at each other and at the TV. They were hitting golf balls against all of the walls and windows—particularly our bedroom window. They kept jiggling and playing with our bedroom door knob. They were shooting off BB guns in the house and at each other! They were even firing at each others faces on purpose!

Funny thing is though that Ed, their father, says that the kids respect and understand that guns are not a toy. Obviously, he is VERY WRONG. If they understood that guns weren’t toys, then they wouldn’t be shooting them off in the house, let alone at each other or in the face. Let me also add, that they were NOT wearing any form of protection to keep from getting hurt. Boo, the 15 year old, should know better, but no, he was encouraging it and going right along with it. Yeah, it sounds like they really respect and understand the dangers of guns.

I do understand that BB guns are fun to play with. But they’re not for playing in doors, let alone shooting at each other—especially without protection! I knew someone who shot a kid with a BB gun. The kid lost his eye. He was 17 years old. So they’re not toys and they do need to be careful. Not to mention, though it is less important, they’re leaving holes and dents in the walls of the apartment building where we live. Its not even ed’s building for his kids to wreck! He rents this place and can be kicked out literally at any time!

What really pissed me off at the end of the day though was the fact that the kids ate peanut butter and waffles. This would be fine had the kids not gotten peanut butter, waffles, and waffle syrup EVERYWHERE. And when I say everywhere, I mean it literally. It was all over the floor, the tables, the throw rug, the chairs, MY SHOES, everywhere! There were even dishes all over the place. The dishwasher, by note, works and it was empty. But they couldn’t clean up or put their dishes away.

Finally, I was disgusted. I asked them to clean up. They ignored me. I asked them again, they ignored me. I ended up asking many more times. Soon I was getting responses of “we didn’t eat that.” and “those aren’t our dishes”, etc, etc. I had been asleep all day and mum was sick. So who else made the mess and ate the food? Oh yeah, THEY DID!

I even told them that I would help them clean it up. But no, they wouldn’t help. They wouldn’t do anything at all. Now, I was frustrated. I went to talk to their father. I should have known better. He said, “I’ll clean it up later.” and i said no. I was having to deal with it NOW. Why did I have to suffer with this gross mess? I shouldn’t have to. The kids weren’t doing anything other then playing video games. So they could clean up. Ed disagreed. Then, he decided that he had to call his boss at that very minute. So I said fine and I left his office and went back to the apartment.

I was determined that this crap would be cleaned up. I began turning off their video game. They would just turn it back on. I swear I turned their dumb game off like 30 times. They kept turning it back on and ignoring me. Now I was PISSED. I went to Ed again. He tried to wave me away while saying “shoo”. Do I look like a fucking dog do you?!

I waited till he got off the phone. I waited a long ways away, so that he could have privacy during his phone call. When he got off the phone, I went to talk to him again. This time, I was more angry about it and demanded he do something. He completely refused and got pissed. He then started telling me off and how I should have more respect. He later told me to, and I quote, “Go to your room.”. My mouth literally dropped open. Who did he think he was? My father?! NO. And I told him that. He got pissed. But so was I. I wasn’t backing down.

He then told me that my mum and I could get out. He can’t kick us out though. Since being homeless, I have done extensive research on renting and eviction processes. He can’t kick us out just by saying “get out”. *rolls eyes* He ended up taking it back and saying that we could stay, but that’s not the point.

I did end up going back to the apartment and my room and told my mother everything. She was pretty pissed about the entire thing too. In the end, I discovered and realized that Ed is an abusive, controlling, degrading, loser. He has no control over his kids, but he does try to control everyone else around him, including me. That’s abuse and its wrong. Not to mention, he’s always degrading my mother and I. Also abuse.

Worst of all though, he doesn’t respect my mother or I at all. He demands that we respect him, but he never does the same in return. He also wants us to respect his kids and they have even less respect for us and him. They don’t listen to or respect him either. Its pathetic and he doesn’t see it that way.

Over all though, I’m still furious. He never listens to me or what I have to say. Its his word, his demands, his wants, its all about him and that’s not right! he’s not going to control me or disrespect me let alone my mother! He can try what he wants with me, but he will respect my mother.

But whatever, we’ll see how this all turns out. Its not over until the fat lady sings. And since there is no fat lady here, this won’t be ending any time soon. I’ll keep you all updated.

Yeah, at this time we still have no money. Money is just as tight as before, but that’ll all change with time. We pay less here and though we still have all of the same bills, things are cheaper. Its just so strange. We’re out of the motel and even though we still have no money, I feel rich! I feel like someone who just won the lottery! Its just an amazing feeling. I’m actually really happy here.

Sure, there are some things that I could complain about, but they’re not worth the complaint. There’s always going to be something that causes frustration. Nothing is perfect. Its worth it though. Its so nice here and I’m happy. Its so nice to be out of the motel. Honestly, I don’t miss that place at all! I never want to go back! I do though, miss Melvin, a worker at the motel. He’s such a great guy and I do miss him. I hope that we’ll get to see him soon. I hope he’s doing well. I’m sure that he is.

I have a feeling that from this point on, things will get better. Yes, I know that things will still be hard. There’s a long road ahead of us. But you know, the light is coming close. Its at the end of the tunnel. We can make it through. I’m ready to keep going! I can just about feel the light on me! I’m so thrilled about that! It’ll be expensive to get done, but I’m looking forward to it. Yeah, it’ll be a long while before I can get it done, but I know what I want now. I have all of the details decided and everything. I’ve really worked hard on the idea. I love what I have in mind. So I’m really happy with it! I’ll try to do the concept idea as soon as I can! So look forward to it! Its amazing! …Or at least I think it is. xD

We’re now living with a male friend. His name is Ed and he’s 33. He has a three bedroom apartment that is connected to his work. Well, he recently separated from his wife and his two children went to live with her. So he has an extra bedroom, which we now live and stay in. We have use to the entire house though. He makes dinner for us all and is really nice. He’s a bit of a flirt with me though, but its fine. Its all just in a good fun. My mum doesn’t like it though. But whatever.

His two kids come over a lot though. They can get really loud and very annoying. Sometimes his adopted daughter comes over too. They come over every day after school and then go home with their mother around 6:30pm. His children are Noha, age 12, Brandy, age 9, and Emily, age 13. They’re all good kids and easy to get along with, but they all make HUGE messes everywhere! They don’t clean up after themselves and their father doesn’t disciplined any of them AT ALL. It drives me crazy!

Something funny though is Ed has the exact same “manly problems” as Sr does. xD Its so hilarious! I mean, really?! What is with all these guys having issues with their manhood? I mean, you were born a man, nothing you wear, do, or drive, will make you any less of a man. xD But they seem to think it will. Its so ridiculous!

Anyways, so we’re still trying to settle in. I’m not online as much now. Well, I am, but I’m not. I’m still online a lot, but not necessarily like before. Mostly because internet is expensive. We’re using a mifi device which is $50 for only 2GB of browsing space. Its so stupid and a real rip off. I mean, VirginMobile says that this plan is unlimited, but come to find out, its only 2GB. That is NOT unlimited. I think that they got confused.

So we’re trying to get internet installed, you know, broadband? Yeah. Its taking a little bit though. Whats really making this all hard, is that mum hasn’t been to work. Her boss, Mike, hasn’t wanted her in. Its not working well because we’re flat broke! I think that she has work tomorrow though. She really needs the work because we need the money! So, I hope that she des go to work the rest of this week and gets paid.

Dinner is almost done now and I have some more fanlistings to work on. I’ll try to blog more often now! Wish me luck!Things are going pretty well!

PS. My birthday is April 16^th!!!

Oh! I guess I do have one thing that I could blog about. I won a domain in NameCheap’s last contest. You know? The Super Bowel Contest. I was really hoping that I would win just one because I really wanted to get a gift for my good friend Nina. So when I won, is was like “OH YEAH!”

So, I knew how much she missed her website and old domain. I know her parents a little bit too. They’re completely against buying things online. They’re those kinds of parents and yeah. So she couldn’t buy her domain again or anything. So, I thought, if I won a domain, then I could get her a domain as an early birthday gift6. I mean, her birthday isn’t till May, but I was excited.

So! I got her a domain! Not only that, but I dug up some of her backups. I had helped her restore backups for her site in the past, but I wasn’t sure if I still had the files. Well, I did! Lucky me! I had never deleted them off of my laptop! Because soon after, it stopped working. You know. It was being a dick head like it usually is. Lots of fun that is. Well, I guess it worked out for the better this time. Because if it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t have the backups.

Well, with those files, i was able to restore her entire old website and files and everything! Always a nice bonus, I think. So I did that and then I made her a layout. personally, I don’t think the layout came out too great. But she loved it and that’s all that matters. Yes, she knows that the domain and website and all were an early birthday gift. The best part though is that you can give it to her year, after year, after year. xD

Not the point though! lol. The point is, it was something that I really wanted to do. She’s really happy and that makes me so glad. It was worth the trouble and time that I put into it. I know how much she loved her websites and now she can have it back! This time, she doesn’t have to worry about a crappy host either, because I’m hosting her. Yay!

So, in the end, it all turned out great. By the way, the domain I got her is Cotton-Candy.net, is that cute?! <3 I loved it! Yes, she picked it out. I asked her about it. I can’t believe that I didn’t think of it first! lol. I love cotton candy! Wow… now this is making me hungry! xD So I’ll shut up now.

One last thing, I’ve gotten into video blogging! I’ll open up my new video blog website soon! Look out for the link! I’ll be sharing it here!

To start, I’ve learned that because I’m homless, I’m not allowed to have nice things like computers, cell phone, TV, a 19 year old van, kindle fire, ipad, clothes, food. I’m not allowed to have these nice things. Which you know what, that’s just a bunch of bullshit. Homeless or not, I don’t really care what anyone else says, I am allowed to have nice things.

In this past week, I’ve learned to just ignore the bullshit that people say. Their words and feelings don’t really matter. Sure, they can be hurtful, but I don’t have to let them be hurtful. I learned that I can just walk away. I can report the people, block them, ask them to stop with the bullshit, walk away, and just MOVE ON. I can do all these things. I don’t have to let the words of stupid, ignorant people bother me. And I’m happy with that.

I guess, I’ve just come to finally accept that I don’t need their approval. I’m beyond them. I know how this life is. I’ve been homeless, I’ve been through the abuse, I’ve done a hell of a lot. Their minds can even comprehend all that I’ve gone through and honestly, I can’t expect them too. They haven’t gone through what I have so I can’t expect them to understand or even want too. The fact of the matter is, its hard to understand something that you’ve never gone through. They’ve never gone through what I am, or they wouldn’t know. I understand that now.

No, them not understanding doesn’t justify their actions. Yes, calling me a liar and all that is wrong. But you know what, its not worth arguing over anymore. I’ve got my life. I have a lot of experience in life. While they’ve been sheltered away by their parents, I haven’t. Sure, my mum tried to protect me from what was out there, but she’s only human. A lot happened to me and around me, things that neither I or my mom could control. Its taught me a lot and gave me a lot. Though it was all hard, I’m making it through. I don’t need to listen to the bullshit that others can’t keep to themselves.

Someone special to me, his name is Jake, and he’s kind of my on again off again boyfriend. We’ve got a complicated relationship to say the least. He said something to me the other day. He said,

“They’re all just jealous of you, baby. You’re a doll and I love you. They’re just envious of what an amazing and wonderful person you are. After all, you’re like a star! A celebrity! That’s why your name can’t stay off their lips.”

I know he was only saying it to be sweet. He’s such a suck up. *rolls eyes* But, he’s right in a way. I must be something pretty damn amazing if people can’t stop talking about me. I mean, I hear some bullshit that people are saying about me on a daily basis. Before, it would hurt, and now, I think its kinda funny. To know that people have so much to say about me, true or not, good or bad, for them to feel the need to always talk about me, I must be a celebrity.

Who ever said celebrities only have fans? Hey, if you’re spoken about enough, you must be something amazing, otherwise people wouldn’t bother. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m amazing, otherwise I wouldn’t be worth talking about.

I won’t deny that their words may hurt sometimes, but now I know that it doesn’t matter. They’re just mean and ignorant and they love me. I’ve got better things to do then deal with their bullshit. After all, I’m a celebrity!

So I’m happy now. And that’s all that matters.

I’ve done a lot in this past year. So much that it doesn’t feel like it all just happened in a single year. It feels like its been so much longer. Still, it feels like the year just flew by! With this past year, a lot of good and bad things happened. I went through a lot.

I mean, in this past year, I’ve accepted more about being homeless. I’ve learned about my anemia and gotten medications for it. I’ve learned about my body dismorphic disorder, hoarding, etc. We’ve almost been in an accident all due to a giant turtle crossing the high way. I’ve gotten some new stuffed animals who have really helped me through this hard time. I’ve participated and won the NameCheap holiday contest. I’ve had to go over a week without anything to eat at all. Mum got a job. I’ve had two heart attacks. I’ve had the best Christmas EVER! I got a kindle and won an ipad. We got run off the road and the tired on the van got shredded. But! A man and his young son stopped and helped us for well over an hour!

I lost a best friend, but I got some new friends. I got new websites up and running and I’ve learned a lot more about doing and design. I got an up close look of a female deer, who was beautiful! I saw real life, LIVING turkey for the first time ever! It was amazing! I’ve seen the most beautiful homes. And I went through the worst computer crash of the last 3 years.

I mean, so much happened this year! Its unbelievable! And all that I listed is just a tiny bit of what happened this year. I mean, so much happened that just thinking about it all makes my head wanna POP! lol I wouldn’t say it was a good year, but it definitely wasn’t an awful one either.

Now that the year is over though, its just so hard to believe. I’m ready for a new and fresh start though. I like to believe that this year will go better then last. Hopefully we’ll get into some place to live and I’ll get into school. I’m really looking forward to 2012. Its a new year and its kind of like having a new start! I’m going to try and think positive about the future and stuff.

So, talking about new years, I don’t have a resolution yet, or at least I don’t think so. I think my resolution might be to lose weight. I’m at 105 pounds. I really want to get back down to 95 pounds. SO maybe that should be my new years resolution? To lose weight! But I doubt I’ll actually do it. I always seem to fail my resolutions. Not cool. I guess I can try though. That’s better then just giving up before I even start. Right?

Also! I joined the 365 Project! It sounded like fun, I figured that I would give it a try. I don’t know how well I’ll do, but it sounds like fun! I was also thinking about doing the Day Zero Project. Quite a few of my friends are doing it and it does sound like fun. So I guess I’ll consider it. So, I guess we’ll see!

I mean, its such a fun site and I love spending time on it! I participate in all of the activities. There’s only one activity that I haven’t participated in since I joined. That was the Zom*bees activity. It looks cute, but drawing zombies and stuff… that’s just not my thing. But I’ve participated in all of the other fun activities. Including making paper stars, 115 of them! I’ve looked for hidden stars and presents. I’ve drawn window scenes and star jars, clothes and polaroids, teacups, sandcastles, drinks, flags, islands, rabbits, and so much more!

I’ve met so many people and made some really great new friends! I’ve gotten awards and even become staff! Its so amazing and so much fun! Seriously, if you haven’t joined the Quilting Bee then you really should because its such a fun site! Its a great community. The forums are really active and there are lots of games. Like the pixel memory game and more! There’s groups you can join if you like knitting, writing, reading, web and graphic design, staying fit, etc. There’s something there for everyone!

Right now, there’s even a Christmas card exchange going on. You get to exchange real cards with real people from all over the world! If that isn’t amazing, then I don’t know what is. xD

There’s really nothing I can say to tell anyone how amazing the site is. Its so much fun and there are so many people there to meet! You don’t have to even know how to pixel. You just need to make a patch, it can be the most easy and basic thing in the world. They’ll love it and love you! Everyone is welcome to join! I can guarantee, if you join the Quilting Bee, you’ll love it! Go there and spend some time, participate in the forums, talk to some people. Its a great place and more fun then I can describe!

There are endless things to do. Never a dull moment! So go, go, go! Head on over to the the Quilting Bee and see what you’re missing out on! I know I wish that I had joined so much sooner. I should have joined years ago Its so much fun! You won’t ever feel left out.

I mean, this is coming from me. I don’t seem to fit in any place. I’m not usually active to a site, especially not one with a forum. I’m not always considered friendly. I don’t like to work hard and I’m usually not good at participating… But with the Quilting Bee, its so easy to fit in and belong. Since there’s something for everyone, its so much fun.

You can find so many activities, so many people and groups. Everything! Its fun! I really recommend giving the Quilting Bee a chance if you haven’t already. You’ll love it! I know I do!

You know, even though we’re homeless, my mum always tries her best to make sure my holidays are nice. She’s always been great like that. When I was younger, I would complain, not understanding or seeing how hard she tried. Now that I get older and I’m going through this homeless hell, I see everything she does. I guess, this has been a growing and learning and maturing experience. I’m glad.

I mean, maybe we’re not smart, spending money we don’t have on something like Christmas and Halloween. But I guess, its those little things that change your life forever. Those holidays might seem like “oh they’re just holidays” or something, but what do you remember years from now about those holidays? Personally, I remember the happy look on my mum’s face when I open a gift that I’ve really been hoping for. I even remember the gifts. I remember almost every gifts I’ve ever gotten or given. I remember how happy or disappointed (clothes) I was with the gift.

Like, one year, I went to my dad’s place to get my gifts. I think it was the day after christmas or something. I don’t know. But I got a barbie hotel. I still have it or had it. I’m not sure what condition its in since we became homeless. But it used to be in brand new condition. I loved that hotel. I remember how happy I was to get it. I was even happy with my dad because he usually just got me crappy pokemon toys and I HATED pokemon (still do).

Another year, also at my dad’s house, he and mum, together sorta, got me a PS2. I had been asking and asking my mum for it and apparently she told my dad that i wanted it. He actually ended up getting it for me. I had no expectations to get it because it was pretty expensive. I knew that we couldn’t really afford it. But I really wanted it. I didn’t expect to get it, but I asked for it anyways. So I was so shocked and so happy when I go it.

For my 12^th or 13^th Christmas, my dad came over to mum and I’s house like days after christmas to give me my gifts. He again, actually got me something that I wanted! He got me the Photoshop Elements 7.0 and a web cam (which I never used).

One year, he even got me a Zune ipod thing. I liked it, but its not what I wanted and I rarely ever used it. It ended up breaking anyways. I never got it fixed but mum said that she would replace it.

My mum though, she gt me always so many gifts, big and little. While my dad, spent $200 here or there. I mean, those four gifts were the only gifts my dad ever got me that I actually wanted. My mum, always worked so much harder. Getting me things I actually wanted. Though they weren’t always as expensive as the (usually broken) stuff my dad got me. She got me more and worked harder to get me what I wanted.

I would get lip balms, puffalumps (stuffed animals), barbies, bratz, a netbook, laptop, TV, personal CD players, computers, games, computer programs, PS2 games, DVDs, CDs, barbie houses/cars (I had like 5+ barbie houses/cars. xD), toy cars, poly pockets, poly pocket houses, stuffed animals, clothes, and so much more! She always gave me the gifts I wanted. They weren’t always as much as what dad spent, but they worked and didn’t break. They were brand new and I wanted them. I loved the gifts my mum gave me.

I mean, my mum has always, always made my Christmas’ and holidays great. Even now when we’re homeless. She still works so hard. I understand why too. Its important to have memorable holidays. I mean, you won’t remember every day of your life, but you will remember those holidays and how good or bad they were. At least I do. I only get gifts from my mum now and I’ve only gotten gifts from her for the past few years.

I always try to give her some gifts too. Even if they’re small. I usually get her a gift card for her favourite book store. She loves to read and I like seeing her happy. Sometimes, I’ll pick up another little item or two to give her as well. But it depends on how much money she gives me to spend. No, I don’t spend anywhere near as much on her as she does on me, but its that happy smile she gets when she sees the gift. That makes my holiday. <3

Last year, I was really nervous about Christmas. I was unsure if I would get anything or not. But I did. And this year, I know I’m getting some great gifts too. Some are going to come late (I helped her order them online back in November) but its alright. Most of my gifts this year will be small or things I need (like clothes/shoes) but some will be things I don’t need. They’ll just be things I want.

I love Christmas and I’m really excited this year. No worries, I’ll tell you all what I get!

You all may think that I’m crazy and you know what, maybe I am. But I just want to weigh 95 pounds. I feel so much more confident and better about myself as long as I’m under 100 pounds. 100 is a triple digit number and it seems so high, like such a big number. I don’t like it. I just want to be in the 90’s. No more, no less. So when I saw 105, I swear that my heart skipped a beat. I haven’t weighed this much in years.

What’s even worse, is I’m getting this gut again. It looks awful and I hate it. It makes me look and feel just miserable. I mean, It just makes me so uncomfortable. I hate it. I just want to lose the stomach/gut and just tighten up the stomach muscles a bit.

Its not fair though. I can’t eat healthier and exercise doesn’t seem to help at all. I exercise for about 1 hour at a time and I don’t even lose an ounce. I don’t understand whats wrong with me. I’ve cut down on the chocolate, but I can’t get rid of it completely. It required by my body in order to take the medicines I need. Without chocolate, the medicines make me sick. So its one chocolate per pill. And that’s the only time I eat chocolate.

Saying that, I can’t really eat healthy. I mean, we’re homeless and live in a shit motel. All we can get is fast food or TV dinners, all of which is very fattening. But that’s all we can afford or make here. Fruits and vegetables don’t last for more then a day or two in our fridge. Meat, we can’t make it. Maybe I should just eat less or only eat yogurt. Yogurt is a great thing to eat to lose weight. At this point, I’ll do anything to lose weight. I just want it gone!

I don’t want to be or have some super model figure or celebrity figure. I just want a flat stomach. I just want to be happy with myself. That’s all. I don’t think I’m asking for too much! …Am I? I don’t know. Right now, I just feel like crawling under a rock and starving myself. I just want to be happy with myself and right now, with my weight like this, I’m not happy. I can’t be happy like this. I hate it so much.

If I weren’t homeless and we didn’t need the money like we do, then I would be taking every penny I have and putting it aside. I would seriously be saving up for liposuction. I hear that it goes really well for those who don’t have a lot of weight to lose. This is something that I’m seriously considering. Which for me, is like WOW! because I hate things like this but I just don’t know what other options to go with. I mean, it’ll only cost about $2000 USD to get it done. So I mean… I think its worth it.

I just want the weight gone and I want it gone now. Not in 10 years. Now. I’ve been trying for years and now I just don’t know what to do. Nothing is working, not even a little bit. I’m not sure where to turn or to what else. I don’t know what to do. I just want to look in the mirror and like what I see. That’s it. That’s all I want and I don’t think that’s asking for too much.

So I guess I’ll have to see. I’ll talk to my mum. She’ll probably just say “you’re not fat” though, but she doesn’t understand how I feel. I wish she would at least try to see myself how I see myself.

On November 10^th, I saw that TheQBee had tweeted about wanting some new pixel team members. So I went on over to the forum post that Joni had made about it. She’s the head of the Pixel Team. I read over the post a few times and it sounded like a lot of fun!

Out first, I was really hesitant and reluctant about joining. I met all of the requirements and my skills in pixeling were pretty good I guessed. But, having to make pixels and stuff, it just seemed like a lot of work and I wasn’t sure if I was up to it. I already have a lot of stuff on my plate, so I wasn’t sure if I could juggle this too.

I was thinking about joining though. I really sounded like fun and I love the The Quilting Bee. I wanted to do more to be apart of it. So when my mum got home from work that day, I decided to talk to her about it. She really encouraged me to join. She told me how great an opportunity it would be. It would help to teach me about commitment. For those who don’t know, I have huge commitment issues. So I thought about it some more.

You know, I really wouldn’t have actually sent in my application to join The Quilting Bee if it weren’t for my mum’s encouragement. Sure, this gives me more work to juggle, but its okay. So I sent in my application that day.

On November 14^th, Joni said that I was now part of the pixeling team! I was so happy! I felt so great about joining right away! I started work on the assignments right away. I was just so happy and excited to get to work! I haven’t offered much yet to the assignments, but I’m not done yet!

I’m so proud to be apart of the team. I know now, that I can find a way to juggle everything and this now too. I love it so much. I’ve only been apart of it for a few days, but so far, I’m loving every moment. I’m going to work hard because this is something really important to me. This is something that I’m passionate about.

I really can’t thank my mum enough for encouraging me to join The Quilting Bee. I wouldn’t have joined if it weren’t for her. I’m so glad that I took her advice and sent in an application. Its the best decision I’ve made in a long time! I’m so proud to be apart of The Quilting Bee pixeling team!

This all has been going on for as long as I can remember. I don’t even know when it started or why or even how. I just know that I was a little, little kid when it started. Out first it was just touching and stuff. But… But as I got older it became more and more. It became more then just touching.

I mean, it never bothered me as a kid, but I think that’s because for some reason, I thought that this was normal. Like, logically, I knew it wasn’t. But its like, this has always been going on, so why would it be wrong now? I just didn’t understand. Or maybe it was the fact that I just didn’t want to admit to what this all really was. I didn’t want to see what was going on.

I guess I hid it well though, because no one knows. My mum doesn’t even know. I want her to know though, but I don’t want to go through the questions and everything. I just don’t want to answer them to her. I’ll answer the questions for anyone else, but not her. I don’t know what I would tell her.

“Hi mum. I love you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I was sexually abused all my life and its still going on.”

Yeah, I don’t think that would sound good. And yeah, you read right. I said I was sexually abused. I admit it. It was only maybe two months ago when I finally just…. it just hit me. Like a bullet. It hit me. This wasn’t normal and it wasn’t okay and it wasn’t right. And I understood. I faced what it was.

It was like a wife whose being beaten by her husband. She loves him and defends him. Every time he says he’s sorry after he beats her. She forgives me. Every time he says he’ll change and never does. But she believes him every time. It was like that for me. I was sexually abused but I didn’t want to see it that way. I didn’t want to admit I was being abused that way.

I mean, everything bad happens to me. People always tell me how my life “isn’t that bad” but its like… Its like they don’t even know a millionth of what I’ve gone through. I feel like, because I’m judged so much, I feel like I’m not allowed to talk about what I go through or how I feel. Because when I do, people constantly say how I just dwell on it or how I’m just saying it or going on about it for attention or to be a drama queen. Don’t people realize how much saying things like that hurt? I guess not.

So I’m kind of afraid to post this blog because I don’t want to get yelled at or harassed…. but there’s no place else for me to talk about this. I don’t have a counselor and like I said above, no one knows except those who’ve read this blog. I would tell and talk to a counselor about this if I had one, but I don’t. I need to get this out because its eating away at me and I can’t take it.

Honestly, I’m not sure when I’ll tell my mum or if I even will. So far, I’ve avoided the question. I don’t want to lie to her, but I don’t really want to tell her the truth either. You know? I guess I’m just scared. I’m scared of what questions she’ll ask or how she’ll respond. I’m not ready to face all of that. I’m not sure how I would answer her questions.

I guess if I do tell her or if she does find out, I’ll blog about it. I’ll need someplace to let lose and stuff. If anyone has any advice, I could definitely use it!

The good news is though, that I was able to last to let some time past and I could put of the new layout! Now this layout is really special. It was the previous layout of Karin. When I saw it on her website, I instantly fell in love with it. I tried to create something similar, but nothing even compared to her beauty. So I emailed her. I figured it couldn’t hurt to ask. So I emailed her telling her how much I loved the layout and hesitantly asked if I could use it.

What shocked me was when she said yes! o.o It was like a dream come true! Seriously, it made me the happiest person ever! She even customized the header to have my site name! And even more, she even fixed the layout to work with or without wordpress.It was so great! I had never met anyone so nice!

I didn’t put the layout up right away though, but I’ve been so excited to get it up. Finally, I gave in, I couldn’t wait any longer and put the layout up. Doesn’t it look great?! I absolutely love it! Its my favourite layout ever! I’m sure that I’ll use it a million times over! lol

Anyways, I just wanted to update on that. I’m feeling a little better now then I was during my last update. I’m still not feeling great though. I’m better though. So hopefully I’ll be getting back into blogging. I really miss it.

I’ll try to update again sooner rather then later! No worries, the site isn’t closing and I doubt it ever will!

I’m to the point now where I feel like I should stop taking the medicine. Saying that though, i know that I need the medicine. But I just don’t feel like I can take it. I’ve been taking it for almost two weeks now and the syptoms aren’t lightening up. Things that I need to get done, they’re not getting done. I just feel awful. I can’t take it anymore. All I want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep. I don’t get whats wrong with me. I’ve taken this medication before with no problem. I mean, it wasn’t the same amount that I take now, but still. I never react this way to medicine.

So that’s part of whats been going on recently.

I had a nice Halloween though. Mum splerged a bit. I got a $3 balloon. He’s a mummy. I named him cuddles. He floats next to my side of the bed. He’s so cute! I’ll take a photo soon and post it up on my photoblog.

I also got one select bag of mixed candy. I went with a bag of snickers, milkyways, and 3 mustuteers. Yummy! I can only eat the candy when I take my medicine though. For those who don’t know, I have to eat some kind of chocolate when I take my mediciation. Otherwise, the medicine makes me feel sick.

I also got a super cute Halloween cup. Its kinda big, but it was pretty cheap. Thanks WalMart! lol. I’ll take a picture of the cup too soon. You’ll be able to find that on my photoblog soon too.

So i had a nice Halloween. I wasn’t sick! So that made the holiday even better.

Anyways, I’ll end the blog here. I’m still not feeling great and I’m just not up to blogging. I have some fanlistings that I’m required to finish. So i have to go work on them. They’ve been piling up for over a month now. So I really need to get to work, even if I don’t feel like it. So i’m off. I hope to update again soon.

You know, I keep thinking about everything over and over again. I mean, how did things turn out so wrong? How did they end so badly? I mean, I guess I’m not her… I can’t just pretend that none of it ever happened. I can’t pretend that we were friends. I can’t pretend that none of it was real. I can’t just move on. She was my friend and a huge part of my life. I can’t lie and say that wasn’t true. It hurts, but it happened. Everything happened. I don’t know why, but it did. We were close. I gave her money. I trust her. I shared my dreams, my secrets, my everything with her. I did everything for her.

I just can’t get over it like she can. For me it was more then just some lie like it was for her. For me, it was real. It was a close friendship, like a sisterhood. For me, it wasn’t just some kids playing pretend. It was something special and amazing. Something that only one in a million friends share. You know?

I dunno. She’ll probably make this out like I’m obsessive or something. But if being friends and having feelings and loving and caring about someone is called being obsessive, then fine. I’m obsessive. I loved her (not that way, like a best friend and sister). Her friendship was important to me. Losing her, it really was like losing a sister.

Everything we went through, everything we shared. It was real for me. She may have just been playing pretend, but before me, it was real. I experienced real feelings and now I’m going through a real heart break. Whatever she’s going through or thinking, I really don’t know. I just know what she told me and how she acts and what she tells people. Personally, I don’t know how anyone can live with themselves after they do such horrible things to another person. How they can say such nasty things about another human being.

In the end though, I guess it doesn’t really matter. Honestly, I’m the stupidest thing alive. I know that. You wanna know why I’m so stupid? Its simple. Its because even after all this, I would be her friend again if that’s what she wanted. I wouldn’t hesitate to forgive her. I mean, I would still need her to repay the money she scammed me out of but still. But I would forgive her regardless. No questions asked.

No. I would never trust her again. Well… actually… I hate to say it… But I probably would trust her again. I know she would hurt me again, but either way, I would trust her all over again. I’m stupid like that. For me, I promised to always be there for her. I promised to never let her down. I promised to never lie to her. I promised to be her friend forever. I promised, that if she ever needed me, i would be there, no matter what it took.

I never put any conditions on those promises. I won’t put conditions on them now. So its very simple. If she wanted to be friends again, that would be that. I would forgive her. I would be her friend. I would trust her again. I would still keep every promise I made. I mean, yeah, we would have to talk a bit and work everything out, but I would take her back as a friend in an instant.

I promised her I would be her friend forever. So I’ll always be her friend. Even if she won’t always be mine. The ball is in her court. I guess, like always, its all about what she wants. If she wants to be friends, then we’ll end up as friends again. If she doesn’t want to be however, then I guess we’ll never speak again. As usual, its about what she wants.

I promised though and even if we become friends again and she hurts me again, I’ll forgive her. The hurt will never go away, I can guarantee that. But my arms will always be open to her.

And whatever I did to her to make her treat me this way, i’m sorry. I don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry.

Like I said though, in the end, I guess it doesn’t matter. To her, my feelings never mattered. Because to her, it was all just “a dream”. it was all just pretend, a lie. I’ll never forget that or get over it… but… I would still forgive it. Because I promised to be her friend forever. I love her like a best friend, like a sister. She’ll always be apart of me.

Its not so bad if professionals say there’s nothing wrong. I mean, you can always find a new doctor. You can always do more research and bring them more evidence. Sure, its frustrating and upsetting and discouraging. But there’s so many things you can do. But your parents, your parents are supposed to believe you. They’re supposed to be helpful and supportive and understanding. They’re not supposed to tell you how you’re fine and that there’s nothing wrong with you. That’s not what they’re supposed to do.

For me, when my mum said I was fine and there was nothing wrong with me, I felt like i was back in school. Where I was dealing with my fellow classmates and teachers. They would all look at me like I was some idiotic, stupid, freak or something. I hated it. Like I have no idea what I’m talking about. Parents aren’t supposed to make their children feel that way! They’re just not supposed to do that!

What’s worse, is I don’t even think she realizes or cares about how badly she makes me feel. I mean, its just like I don’t matter or something. How could she even think to say something like that to me? Tell me that I’m fine. I spoke to her about it, about this problem and she acts like she understands. Then today she goes on about how I’m fine. How can she say something like that to me? Doesn’t she realize how badly that hurt? I swear, it felt like she had taken a knife and stubbed in in the heart.

It just really hurt. This is something that I don’t think i’ll get over very soon… if ever. I’ve never had my mother say something so hurtful. …Well… actually I have, but this really struck me hard. And she just doesn’t understand what I’m upset over.

I just don’t get whats wrong with me. I know the cause of all this, its the break-up between me and my friend, Andy. I mean, she was my best friend and then she just betrayed me. She lied to me and stole money from me. I mean, she scammed me out of $2,000 USD. Then she expects me not to sue? And then she’s telling everyone how I’m going to come and murder her in her sleep or some shit like that. How can you say that about someone and know it isn’t true? How can you even think of saying that about someone and not have a problem with it?

Sorry, I’m getting off topic… I didn’t mean to. Sorry. I’m just really upset. All of this has built up over a long time. So now suddenly, she doesn’t want to be friends and its like… I don’t even know. My feelings about all this are just so jumbled. She was my best friend and I was happy, like really happy when she was around. She meant so much to me, losing her was like losing a sister. Its not something you can just get over; if you ever get over it at all. She used to say that we were sisters, but if anything, she treated me like the shit under her shoe.

When she got upset about something I did, especially recently, i worked to change it. And I succeeded. She said that my anger when she did something wrong, upset her. So I changed it. When i got angry, I would take a deep breath and talk it over with her instead. We got along better and it was a huge plus. Or that’s what I thought. When it came to her changing, she couldn’t do it.

She could never treat me right. She was always abusive to me… She treated me horribly, but with her, to me, it was okay. She was my best friend. It hurt, but it was okay. I could get over it. I would get upset with her and we would argue. She would say sorry, not mean it, but I would forgive it. I would just accept her apology, knowing it was just a lie. She was my best friend. So her friendship was more important then the lies she often told me. That’s just how it felt.

However, I do wish that my friendship with her was more important then herself and her lies. I wish that I was more important then her fears and her lies. She was more important to me then everything else. Her friendship was more important then the lies she told or my fear of being hurt by her again. So why aren’t I more important to her? Why aren’t I more important then her lies and fears?

I don’t understand. I really don’t. I don’t understand why she treated me the way she did. I don’t understand why she blamed everything on me. I don’t understand why all I did was love her and care about her, and give things to her, but still, all I was, was hurt and abused. I don’t understand why all she did was lie to me. I don’t understand why I had to treat her like gold, but she could treat me like dirt under her shoe. I don’t understand why she could tell so many lies about me.

There’s a lot I don’t understand about her. All I wanted was for her to treat me right. She said I was her sister and I was precious to her, but if I was, why did she treat me so badly? I changed for her, why couldn’t she do the same? Why did I have to do all the work in our friendship?

I guess in the end, it was all one-sided. I was the only real friend in this friendship. She was just playing pretend. Playing games with my feelings. I guess that’s all it was in the end. It was all just a lie.

Wanna know something funny? …If she came back, I would forgive her instantly. I’ll never really move on. Its like saying you can move on after your sister dies. You don’t ever really move on. You come to accept the fact that they’re gone, but you never really get over it. Some nights, you still cry yourself to sleep. Some nights, you’re totally fine. But you never really get over it. I might one day come to terms with all this, but I’ll never get over it.

I guess, I don’t really know how to deal with it all. I just don’t know where I went wrong. All I did was love and try to be there for her. I cared about her and her future. I cared about her safety and her life. She was like my sister and even if we never talk again, she’ll always be my sister.

She can call me obsessive, possessive, or whatever she wants. She just doesn’t understand. She can twist and turn things into something they’re not, like she always has. She can do whatever she feels that she needs to do to justify her lies. She can call her lies “dreams”, but a lie is a lie no matter how you put it.

Yeah, I’m taking her to court for the money she scammed me out of and for slander/defamation of character, but I’ll still forgive her. Saying that, I gotta look out for me and for my future. I can’t keep putting her first when she doesn’t even have me on the list. I’m sorry, but I gotta look out for myself at some point. She doesn’t need to understand and I doubt she’ll even try to.

Honestly, I still love her. She’s like my sister and my best friend. I know what a real friend is and maybe one day she will too. I would never wish anything bad upon her, but I hope that one day, someone smacks some sense into her. Maybe one day it’ll all just click and make sense. Saying that, if she ever wants an explanation, I’m here. Even though she refused to give me any explanations, I’d happily give her one. I would never lie, hide, or keep secrets from her.

A few things I learned growing up is that two wrongs don’t make a right and if you’re planning revenge, to dig two graves. And finally, an eye for an eye, is stupid, because in the end, you’ll just end up with a bunch of toothless, blind fools. I’m gonna live by these. She can treat me wrong, but I won’t do that to her. It won’t help any.

Right now, I guess all I can really give her is time to work things out with herself. Maybe she’ll finally tell her family the truth about me and all I’ve done for her. Maybe she’ll realize what she had. I really don’t know. Maybe she just needs time to herself. Whatever the case is, I’m here when she gets back, if she ever comes back. My door will always be open, because that’s what love and loyalty is about. Its as simple as that. If she needs me, I’ll be there. Just like I promised.

I need a laptop and I need a cell phone and I need food and my van and my storage. There’s a lot of stuff that i need and jut because you may not see it as needed, you really don’t know do you? You can’t voice your opinion on it can you? You’ve never gone through this. You may have been homeless before, but you still have no idea what I’m going through. When you were homeless, did you live where I live? Make the money we make? Own the same things we own? No. So you don’t know how hard it is. You have no idea.

So just because you don’t think you need something, you can’t know unless you’re in my boat. You’ll never be in my boat. I just hate being judged based off what you think people need. It just pisses me off. I mean, how can you judge me and what I have or do when you have no idea what I’m going through. You have no idea what any of this is really like.

I get asked all of the time why I do or have things. Its okay once or twice, but when I get asked 2 million times, then its just like, “don’t you have anything better to do?” Just pisses me off. What’s worse, is my friends are the ones who ask. Instead of helping or anything, they just wanna judge everything and ask 50 questions. Can’t even explain how much is bothers me.

Don’t judge until you understand. Simple as that.