Dream for the Future

icon I recently read a book, well, a series to be exact. The story itself isn’t important, but rather, one thing that came up in the main character, Misao’s, life. The question of, ‘What do you want to be or do in the future?’ Now, we’ve all been asked or have asked ourselves this question before at some point.

For me, its been a question on my mind my entire life. I’ve asked myself this question so many times, over and over again. Others have asked me. My usual response is, ‘I want to go to college and make a lot of money.’ but honestly, that’s not true. Well, it is, but at the same time its not.

This has always bothered me because frankly, there isn’t anything that I want to do. I really don’t want to go to college – unless its just to learn something for my own personal interest. I don’t really have any desire to start a career or get any type of job. I don’t really like to do anything. I mostly just do things either because I know how or because I happen to have some minor talent with it.

See, I’m not really good at anything. Web and graphic designing, I’m not bad, but I don’t have any great talent in it like a lot of others I know. Coding and designing is just something I mainly do for myself and for my own interest. I really don’t like it all that much. Its like a chore. Singing, dancing, again, I’m not exceptionally good at it. Its just something that I do for the heck of it, its entertaining. Unless by some miracle, I’ll never get anywhere in a career field for these anyways. Same goes for modeling; I’m too short, not thin enough, and my skin is so far from flawless, its ridiculous. Art, is alright, but I’m terrible at it. Being a lawyer would be alright, I guess, it would make good money and I’d probably be very good at it, but doing all that work… eh. I’m not too excited or interested.

I’ve gone to the trouble of writing and making lists of what I might like to do when I grow up. I’ve listed why I do or don’t like each idea and written each pro and con to it. The ending result is always the same though… I simply have no interest in any of it. Careers, working, jobs, making money, etc, I just don’t care. Yeah, money would be wonderful to have, but it doesn’t buy happiness. It just takes away stress and makes life easier.

So yeah, I could get a job I don’t really like and turn out filthy rich, but the bottom line is, I’m interested in that. I don’t want that. And that’s where Misao, from the book series comes in. Her choice was exactly what i expected her to want really, but when she said it, I suddenly understood. She felt the same way I did. I usually can’t relate to characters on a personal level, so when I can, I find it very shocking.

As for her answer, she said that she wanted to be a bride. She wanted to get married and have a family. That’s what she wanted for her future. To have a family and take care of that family. I realized with her response, that this is what I wanted. More then anything else. I want to get married and be a housewife. I want to have a family. I want to start a family. I have no interest in jobs, careers, or such things. I simply want to get married and start my family. That’s my dream for the future. That’s what i want to do when I grow up.

The hard part is, this kind of “career” is not so simply. You can’t go to college for this. You can’t go apply for this sort of “job” online. There are no interviews or anything to learn or study really. It just happens. When you meet the right person who you love, you’ll end up getting married and having children and starting a family. Not necessarily in that order, of course. But that’s the basic idea.

This choice though brings me some sadness, because its not easy. I see so many couples in love and happy while I, myself, am alone. I’ve never had a boyfriend for very long and none were really serious, like I would have wanted. I know, people say it all the time, “You’re only 19 (20), you don’t need to be thinking about all that yet. You have time.” but really, I want to start it now. All of my friends are out starting their futures and I want to start mine. Only, mine isn’t like theirs, its different and so, its difficult.

I guess I don’t really know how to explain it. Its tough. I don’t know what to do. It seems like I can’t get, let alone, keep a boyfriend. I only seem to attract the attention of older men. Which as flattering as that can be, I guess, it gets old. i want to be with someone my age or a little older. Not someone twice my age or old enough to be my father. :/ That’s not what I want at all. I just feel so stuck and lost. I don’t know what to do or how to go about this.

I just wish it were easier. I wish that I just knew what to do. I wish that I could find the guy who is out there for me. I know that just like I’m looking for him, he too, is looking for me. I can just feel it. I just wish I knew who he was and how to find him. It’s looking for someone when you have no idea who they are or anything about them. Finding someone like that is difficult and that’s basically what I’m doing. I’m searching for an individual, with no idea who I’m looking for and with no clues to go on. So I’m stuck on where to start.

Honestly, its times like this that I really wish that I could have a love like in the books. I’ll take the drama and hardships that come with it. I’m just tired of being alone. i want to start with my future and my life and my ‘career’. If only it were that simple.