It’s rare that I blog about guys and actually being in a relationship. Mostly, because pretty much all of my relationships don’t last. They’re not long enough to blog about and they usually end terribly.
Well, one relationship I was in… has a possibly of starting up again. On April 19th of 2014, I started dating this guy. We didn’t date long. We broke up on May 25th of the same year. So yeah, didn’t last long at all.
Usually, I don’t care. I go through guys and boyfriends like fucking candy. I never pick the right guy. I can admit it. I usually know this when we start dating anyway. I know. It’s stupid to get into a relationship that I already know is doomed for failure from the start. I guess I believe in giving everything a chance. Just because things have a rocky look to them, doesn’t mean they’ll actually end out badly. Plus, what have I got to lose by dating a guy and it ending badly? I won’t be upset or crushed. It’s just a boyfriend. So it’s like, “Who cares?” and I move on.
Anyway, for this guy, even though we broke up, we remained friends. This doesn’t usually happen with me. My relationships usually end badly and that’s that. Shrug it off. For him though, it wasn’t like that at all. I guess I should back up a little though and say this. The reason we broke up was because he ultimately made me feel like I was single. You shouldn’t be in a relationship and feel like you’re single. That just sucks and it’s not fun – mostly because you can’t look for someone else, you can’t move on, and you can’t flirt. So you’re just stuck in a fucked up little pit. So I broke it off with him.
To be specific, he just didn’t really act like a boyfriend. We didn’t hang out, talk, communicate, or anything. I’d try talking to him but half the time he never replied to my texts or anything. We never went anywhere or anything. To be frank, he acted more like a lover then a boyfriend. He came over when he wanted to flirt and be a perv and that was it. NO. I want a boyfriend, not a lover. So the relationship failed obviously.
Now though, he’s talking about getting back together. I’d usually turn down the idea right away. I did actually. I’ve told him no, I won’t take him back. Surprisingly, he continues to bring it up and ask me for a second chance. I’d completely ignore this, but he’s actually made a change. He talks to me and we text back and forth a bit. He’s also invited me out to hang out with him and even his friends. We’ve actually hung out twice in the past week alone! This past Sunday and last night. We went to parties and just hung out.
Last night and well into this morning we were towing cars, fixing cars, partying, and driving around, and then just acting like fools and goofing off. I have a lot of fun with him. I won’t deny that. I really love to hang out and be with him. We can just be driving in his car in complete silence and it’s not awkward or anything. It’s still fun. We can effortlessly have fun and not even have to think about it. It’s easy. He’s a major goof too – sometimes he can be an idiot.
So why aren’t I getting back together even though he keeps asking me to reconsider our relationship? Simple. He still acts more like a lover then a boyfriend. He wants to be a perv way too often. When you’re in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, there are times and places to be a perv. Every touch doesn’t have to lead to something else. Like holding hands doesn’t have to lead to kissing. It doesn’t have to lead to anything at all!
Relationships are about not just having fun and enjoying each others company. It’s about trust, communication, spending time together, being thoughtful and caring, doing things for each other, knowing the time and place for certain things, and much more! He’s starting to get the spending time together part – starting to. He’s also working on the communication skills – I think.
However, I still have doubts. Yeah, I have feelings for him. There’s no doubt about that. However, I don’t want to go back into a relationship that failed once if I think it’s going to fail again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m seriously considering going back with him. He’s really making an effort that I can see. That being said, I’m still not totally sold. He claims to love me, but… does he even really know what it is to love someone?
The one thing I keep asking myself is, What does he think of me? I keep asking myself this over and over again. I can’t bring myself to ask him. I really wish I knew what I was to him. Maybe that would help me to figure out my feelings. I don’t know. It’s just one question that nags me in the back of my mind.
At this point, you’re probably wondering where the second guy comes in. After all, the title of this blog is Two Guys. The second guy is someone I met really recently. He’s a friend of said ex-boyfriend above. This guy is really nice. He’s perfect boyfriend material. He can be a bit of a perv, but he’s got it at the right time and place. He’s really sweet and very thoughtful and caring. He texts me first all the time and always replies to my texts. He constantly invites me to hang out and spend time with him. He’s already asked me to go steady with him too!
So what’s wrong? It’s simple really… I don’t feel that I should get into a relationship with him when I’m still trying to organize my feelings with the ex. If I’m considering dating someone else, then I shouldn’t yet consider dating this new guy. That wouldn’t be fair. A relationship is a commitment and I don’t believe that someone should go into it half assed. You’re either all in or all out. There is no in between. You can’t have one foot in and one out. That’s not fair.
Who you choose to be with is a choice. They’re not just some option that you can pick from off a line up. They’re people. They’re a priority, not an option. That’s just how I feel about the whole thing. It’s not fair to him to accept his offer to start a relationship if I’m not in it all the way. If my heart and mind are still considering someone else, then that’s not fair to this guy.
So before starting a relationship with either of them – and they both keep asking and getting jealous over each other cause I’ll hang out with one and then the other. They’re both my friends after all! I mean, the three of us will be hanging out and I’ll spend more time or attention with one and the other gets jealous. It’s kind of funny actually and also rather sweet. Still, it’s not alright to string somebody along. So I’m trying to work out my feelings quickly. That being said… I am really conflicted.
The ex is trying and I enjoy being with him but… he still acts more like a lover then a boyfriend. The new guy is everything I could ask for… but I just don’t know what to do. I guess if I’m doubting either of them, I shouldn’t consider either one. Plus, if I’m thinking about either guy while with the other, I should consider either one of them… I’m kind of digging myself a hole here. So I’ll shut up. I’m not good with this sort of thing really. I’m conflicted.