Sinking Quickly

icon It be quite frank, I’m really not doing so well. I’ve started cutting again for one. This week, no, the past few weeks have just been terrible. I mean, let me just go down the list here. First, my dad comes back into my life, then the van breaks down and we’re left with no vehicle, I end up raped, then later end up getting assaulted by the same man, then I find out we have to be out of here by the end of October. We’ve got no money and no place to go. Then. finally, what really got me crashing down, was my best friend for the last 5 or so years, Nikki, suddenly tells me how she doesn’t want to be my friend, hates my guts, etc. Honestly, I’m not sure where the bad luck ends. it seems like my life just keeps getting worse.

It just feels like my entire life is just crumbling down around me. The cutting, I’m back into that. Its like a drug. Once you stop, there’s always that nagging in the back of your mind to go back to it. There’s always the temptation. So when you finally give into it, you just can’t stop. You want to keep cutting. Keep doing it. Its so hard.

I’ve been cutting a lot lately too, I’ve even sent out my final goodbye notes, should I finally end it. I wanted to make sure I thanked everyone for all they’ve done for me. I didn’t want them to think that I could have ever forgotten all the good they’ve done for me. Some of them really changed my life.

A few of them caught on to what my notes were about and asked me not to do it. Honestly, I really am trying to be strong. I really am trying to hang on. But with each day, its growing harder and harder. I feel like someone is playing with my heart. Like my life is just a game to be played with. I’m really just not sure that I can continue to take it. I feel so weak. So tired. I’m just ready to give in and end it all. Go to that never-ending rest. I’m tired of being hurt.

Maybe I am some loser. Some outcast. I just hate myself so much. I wish I could just end it all. But maybe I’m too weak to do even that. Frankly, I think everyone would be so much happier without me. If I just ended it all, who would care? I’ve been harassed, attacked, bullied, beaten down, ganged up on, betrayed, lied about, lied too, stalked, and so much more. It just never ends. I just can’t take it.

I really am trying to be strong for those who do love me. They love me so much and I love them too. I want to be strong for them. I promised to always be there for them and others. At this rate, I’m just sinking too fast. I’m struggling just to keep my head above water. I’m doing my best, I really am. I’m just not sure how long it’ll be before these chains pull me under and I lose all air. I just feel like these struggles are all worthless. Like there’s no point in trying to continue. Like giving in would just be the better option.

Its so hard, trying to keep going, when more and more weights are being chained to my ankles, trying to pull me under. To be honest, I’m not sure how much longer I can go on. How much longer I can continue these struggles. I know if I hold on, in years from now, it’ll have been worth it. All this pain will have been worth it. But I don’t know if I can hold on for that long. I don’t know if I can even hold on for another day, another week, another month. Every day its getting harder and harder to hold on. The weights pulling me down are growing heavier and heavier. I’m just sinking to quickly.

I’m trying though. So I did want to say that. I just want you all to know how much I love you all. Even if I don’t know you. Even if we’re enemies. Even if you hate me. Even if you’ve hurt me. I still love you. I just want you all to now that. I just want you all to know how much I love all of you. So much. Even when I’m gone, my love will continue. So even if you feel alone, I promise, I will always be by your side. Even in death.