Looking back at my childhood, I remember how things used to be. I never really had any friends. For some reason, I got along with many people, but no one ever really liked me. I was always the odd ball out. I’m not really sure why or how it happened or even what I did. I was just always different.
As I came to see this, i tried everything I could to stick in and be like everyone else. If they had some kind of jewelry, I would go out and find and buy it. If they wore a certain type of shoe, so would I. I would copy everything everyone else did, because I wanted to fit in and belong. However, no matter how hard I tried, I just didn’t belong. Even to this day, I’m not sure why. I still don’t understand it.
In my mid teen years, I became very angry. I was angry all of the time. I was like a firecracker waiting to go off. One false move from someone and I would blow. I was always trying to start fights; both physical and verbal. I was just itching to start a problem. looking back, I understand why i did it. i wanted the attention. i didn’t want to be ignored and looked over and be the wall flower. At the time though, I was more then just a wall flower. I was more like white paint on a white wall. I just didn’t exist and I hated it. So I grew angry and acted out in order to get their attention. i wanted to be noticed and recognized.
Of course, this wasn’t the best way to go about doing it. I didn’t know what else to do though. So I just went with it. I didn’t see myself as angry. I didn’t see myself as the one picking the fights. It was never my fault that i got into arguments.its just happened. Everyone else was picking fights with me. That’s what I believed. It wasn’t true though. Well, in some cases it was, but in most, it wasn’t. it was my own fault that I got into those fights. I didn’t know how how to admit that I was wrong. I didn’t know how to back down. simple put, I didn’t know how to not be angry anymore. So I was stuck.
This life style went on for years and over time, earned me a lot of enemies; many of which, I still have to this day. In the past year though, I’ve really changed. Somehow, I can’t explain it, but I’ve let a lot of anger go. yes, some things I am still angry about, like my life and being homeless. But I’m not angry at anyone or at myself anymore.
I guess, at some point during the past year or so, I’ve come to access things. I’ve finally come to terms with myself. I’m still learning who I am, as I lost who i was when I was a child. You can lose yourself and your identity so easily when you’re trying to be every body else, instead of just yourself. Its not easy to find yourself again either. So here’s my piece of advice, hold onto yourself. You are you. By trying to be everyone else, you won’t fit in. By being yourself, you may not fit in, but you’ll end up much happier if you just be you. You’ll find so much more happiness as yourself. I guarantee it.
So now, I’m still working at it. Still trying to find myself and who I am. I’m learning slowly about the things that I like. The things that I like for me and not because everyone else likes or doesn’t like it. its just me. I’m no longer making the choices and decisions I do based off of the opinions of others. I’m basing everything off of my opinions, my likes, and my dislikes.
Its hard though, let me tell you. It is just so hard to suddenly have to think for yourself, to have to see yourself for you. When you’ve gone so much of your life, basing it on the way others thought and felt and acted, its hard to find yourself again. Its hard to stop following after what others do and starting thinking for yourself when you haven’t for so long. You can do it though. I’m doing it, I know that. its not easy, but it can be done.
I kind of look at myself and say, “Why was I trying to be like them? I have to look at me at the end of the day in the mirror. Not them. I can’t look at them when I’m alone. All I can do is look at me. I have to live with who I am. I don’t have to live with who they want me to be. I have to live in this life I have and this body. I can’t trade it in if I don’t like something.” and that’s just how I look at it. You have to look at yourself at the end of the day. No one else does. When everyone goes home and you’re by yourself, who will you be looking at? Who will you be dealing with? You’ll be looking at and dealing with you, yourself. So you need to find happiness in being who you are.
Its a battle every day to keep your identity once you’ve lost it because its so easy to slip right out of your grip again. Copying others is kind of like a drug, it really is. You become dependent on others to show and tell you want to do, think, and feel. So when suddenly you decide not to listen and to do things for yourself, its hard. Its new and different and scary. You’ll be wondering if you fit in, is this the style, do you look funny, what if everyone stares? but none of those things matter. As long as its what you want and like, that’s what’s most important. You have to live in your body and life, so you might as well like it for what it is and for what you make it.
In the end, I guess the point of this is to remind myself when I’ve been. Who I was compared to who I am now. As a child, I wasn’t happy with myself. As an adult now though, I’m becoming much happier. I’m finally doing things that I want and like. I’m creating myself. I’m not trying to be a copy of any other person. I’m just being me and I wouldn’t want it any other way.