Lately I feel like I’m just being left behind. Well, not lately, this feeling really comes around at the beginning of each school year. All of my friends are going back to school and I’m just… not. This year is different though. A lot of my friends are going into college.
Every year, my friends advance. Every year they get better. Scholarships, good grades, awards, cars, new grade, new experiences, prom, dances, boyfriends, dorms, moving out, apartments, driving, careers, jobs, and so on. Its huge. They’re all advancing in life. Here I am though, just sitting here. Nothing new, no advances, nothing. I just feel like I’m being so left behind…
And please, don’t say “well get a job!” or “get into college!” because its just not that easy. College requires money or a scholarship – don’t have either. I don’t even have a way to get there! I can’t get a job either – no way to get there either. Don’t suggest a bus either, please, cause there aren’t any of those around here either. The closest one is at least a two hour walk from here and it costs money – again, I have no money.
It just seems like no matter what I do, I just can’t win. I’m losing every way I turn. Every road I take is just a road leading to the same ending, over and over and over again. I feel like I’m just going around in one big depressing circle. I’m tired of it!
I don’t know, I just feel like I’m being left behind. All of my friends are moving on without me. I don’t want to be left behind, but it seems like I am. I’m almost 20 years old and I’ve never even been to high school. Yeah, I know, any smart person would say “so what? that doesn’t matter. real life is based on experience. you don’t need school to learn.” But it sure doesn’t feel that way. People are constantly throwing it in my face how I’ve never been to high school.
One thing about that, that does cheer me up though is that I’m smarter then a lot of them in other ways. So what? I’ve never been to high school? Doesn’t mean I don’t know anything about it. It doesn’t make me stupider then anyone else. That being said, I still hate it being thrown into my face. Its hurtful. It makes me feel dumb, even though I’m not.
What really makes me feel bad is my mum. Every year she gets my hopes up into going to school, but every year is the same. Every year, I stay home, no school. Every year I lose more and more hope in my future. Then when I try to talk to her about it. She just goes and tries to compare her perfect life to mine. We have two completely different lives. I mean, they’re so different. She had a picture perfect family, friends, a group, school, job, everything. I didn’t/don’t have any of that! She can’t relate to me because she’s never been through any of what I have.
It just makes me feel so terrible when she tries to compare herself to me. It makes me feel like complete shit. I’ve tried to tell her and explain this to her, but she just doesn’t get it. She continues to try and compare herself to me. Its too different. Its like trying to compare a crayon to a glass tea cup. No similarities! She just doesn’t get it. So all she ends up doing is rubbing her perfect life in my face. I hate it! It just makes me sick.
I’m just tired of everyone making me feel worse about myself. I just wish I knew some way to feel better.