He’s My Dad

icon You know, I’ve been trying desperately to get along with my dad. No. I’m not going to just BAM start respecting him. Respect is something you earn. It’s not a given. You’re not entitled to it. However, I am trying to give him a fair share. I’m trying to be nice and treat him like a human instead of like some bad guy.

I know better then anyone all the terrible things he’s done. I know it. Even if I told the world about it, no one would ever believe me. However, I think my dad is terrified that they might. He constantly talks negatively about me to everyone and says how I talk shit about him behind his back. The fact of the matter is that, I don’t. There’s no reason too. Bad mouthing him won’t do anything. It might ruin his imagine but you know what, why should I do that? He’s doing that fine all by himself. He doesn’t need my help. Plus, the issue is, when it really comes down to it is that I just don’t care. His life and issues just aren’t my problem. I don’t care.

What I do care about is… our relationship. It’s so funny. When I was a kid, all I wanted was for him to drop dead. I wanted him out of my life forever. However, when it really came down to it, now that I’m older, I see that’s not true. I never didn’t want him in my life. In fact, I always did want him in my life. I wanted us to have a relationship. I always cared about what he thought of me. How he treated me. I cared. I always wanted him to look at me with a smile, a real one. One that was filled with love and care. Growing up and looking back, I can see that’s all I ever really wanted. I never got it though.

Everyone knows that my dad and I never got along. Most kids are born with an automatic connection with their parents. They feel that parental connection from birth. That link is there. For us, it never was. We were always like strangers. When he lived with us back when I was a little kid, I always felt uncomfortable around him. Like he was some strange man who I didn’t know. It was always like that.

Now that I’m older though, I guess I’m more used to it and it doesn’t bother me so much. He’s my dad regardless of anything else. Regardless of what he’s done or how I feel around him. No, we’re not always going to get along. I know that. Him and I are a lot alike and that’s simply why we don’t get along. I can see that.

What is all comes down to is where is this all going. I’m reaching a point in my life where I’ve grown tired of dealing with him and his drama. I’ve grown tired of all the messes he causes. So, I’m trying to work things out with him. He wanted the fines and all paid on the van, I did it. Right away. In the timeline that I told him I would. When I wanted to take the papers over to him, he’s never home. He’s always got an excuse.

The more I think about it, the more afraid I see he is. I think he’s terrified because he knows. He knows that the end is coming. Soon, I’ll cut him out of my life entirely and I think he knows this. They always say that at some point, ‘too late’ comes and goes and it’s not till afraid do you realize that point has hit. It’s not until it’s already ‘too late’ do you realize that… it’s too late. I think he’s realizing that this point is quickly approaching. I think it terrifies him because he doesn’t know what to do.

With the house, he could constantly come over and threaten us and yell and scream. With the van, it was in his name. So we had to contact him and deal with the tags. Then the fines when he didn’t want to deal with the tags with us. So there was always a way to for him to stay connected to me. However, the house is gone. The van’s fines are paid and we all know that he’s not putting tags back onto it. There’s no way for him to hold onto me anymore.

He knows that once everything is finally settled with the van, that’ll be it. As soon as he signs the van over to me, it’ll all be over. So he’s afraid to see me. He’s terrified for me to go over to his house. I know this. Even if he doesn’t even realize how afraid he is, I can see it. I guess, I was always afraid of reading him. Behavior analysis was always something that I was good at. With him though, I never understood. Now though, as I look, I can understand it so clearly. Everything he did, good and evil, all makes such sense now. Even this. I think I’m starting to understand him even more then he might understand himself.

Haha… it’s funny really. I was always so afraid to know him. Now I don’t even have to see or talk to him to know. I know him even better then myself sometimes.

There is one thing that he doesn’t know though. A lot of people don’t know this. Many might not even understand this. I want him in my life. I love him. He’s my dad. I’m trying to work things out with him because I want him to be apart of my life. I want us to get along and be able to hang out and talk. I want us to work all this shit out. This is what he doesn’t know.

However, at the end of the day, it’s his choice. Only he can decide if he wants to be apart of my life. If he does, I’ll be happy to try and work things out with him. It’s that simple. I’m tired of arguing with him and the fact is that, I’m just not going to do it anymore. I’ve reached a point where I don’t care what I think of him anymore. Yes, I want him in my life, but I won’t try to force him. If he doesn’t want to be in my life, then I’ll live. I’m at that step, at the top of the stairs. He can either come with me or he can stay on those stairs of life. He can stay there if he wants. I can’t force him to come with me. All I can do is hold out my hand and let him know that he’s welcome to walk with me if he wants.

You can’t change people. It’s something I understand so well. All you can do is provide them with the means. You can be their support and love. You can hold out that hand. You can’t change them though. They have to change themselves.And that’s really what this all comes down too. He has to want to change. If he can put aside all of his anger and sadness and hurt, we can stop the fighting. We can talk it out and have a relationship. This choice is one that only he can make. I’ll work with him, if he works with me.

I’d love for him to be apart of my life. I’m 21 now. I’ve been proposed to by at least two guys already. One day I’ll be proposed too and I’ll say yes. Wouldn’t he want to know how that man is? One day I’ll be getting married. Doesn’t he want to walk me does the isle? One day I’ll have a baby. Won’t he want to be in that child’s life? After all, that child would make my dad a grandfather. It’s kind of funny thinking about it. My dad was never a good father, but he might be a good grandfather. I think he would be if he tried.

All this… I’m not a little kid anymore and these things could happen sooner rather then later. My dad can either choose to be apart of it or leave it all behind. I’m giving him a choice. If he wants to be in my life and be apart of all this, I’m happy to work things out with him. We can do things together and talk it all through. Or, he can stay there. He can be who he always has been, stuck in his anger and bitterness and sadness.

One thing is clear though. This is the last chance I’m giving him. I am ready to walk away. Soon, it will be too late and that’ll be it. It doesn’t have to end that way. I’m making every effort to try and get along with my dad. I’m putting my best foot forward. But see, he has to do the same. It’s a two lane street. He’s gotta be willing to work with me. I’m willing, but he has to as well. I’m willing to try if he is. If not… then I can’t make him. I am though, willing to meet him half way.

I want him in my life and I’d like to think he wants to be in mine. Though, sometimes I don’t always think he knows how to demonstrate his feelings. I can’t say I blame him. Neither of us are always easy to deal with. I think, because he’s not always good with his feelings, things come out in a negative fashion. However, sometimes, that negativity can be turned into a positive if you just look at it in a different light. Some things aren’t meant in a bad way. Sometimes be get angry because we’re upset or hurt. I think that’s how he is a lot of the time. He’s how I used to be. I was so angry all the time because I was upset and hurt and even bitter. I’m not anymore. It’s about moving past it. Learning what those feelings are, why they’re there, and working through it. He’s gotta learn that too. I think he’d be a lot happier if he just let go of all those negative feelings.

My dad is a really smart man with a lot of things. Really stupid in others, lol, but we all are. He’s got a lot of strong points. In his anger though, I think he’s forgotten how to use those strong points. When you’re filled with negativity, it reflects on everything you do and even what you say.

I think if him and I can work things out, that might help. At least a little bit. I don’t know everything that’s gone on in his life. However, I remember growing up how he would always get mad at mum for never letting me hang out with him. I never wanted too and he used to say he called. I never saw it on caller ID, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t call. Whether he did or didn’t. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt in this. Everyone deserves a chance to make things right. If he wants too, we can fix things.

That’s why, I’ve been trying to talk to my dad. He always get angry because I don’t call, but the issue is, I can’t. I can’t talk on the phone because I can’t hear. I can barely hear you right next to me. On the phone, I hear sounds, but not enough to form words. So it would be stupid to call. So I text him. I do my best with that I have. I can’t do the impossible. I’m talking to him and being nice, regardless of what anyone else thinks or sees. It’s not my fault. All this, isn’t my fault. However, I’m willing to accept half of it anyway.

I learned that sometimes you have to let go of your pride and apologize. It’s not about being right or wrong. It’s about caring more about the person then your pride. You can get over a hurt pride. You can’t always fix a relationship once you’ve torn it apart. If saying sorry first can help things, I’ll do that. I’m willing to meet him half way in all of this. I can’t do it all though. I can’t fix any of this by myself. He has to make some of the effort too. I’ll gladly make the first move though.

You know, my dad reads and stalks a lot of what I do online and off. He knows where I go and what I do. I think, when people put that much effort into someone, it’s because they really care and they’re really interested. You don’t invest that much time and effort into something you don’t care about or like. So maybe he’ll read this too and really think about what I’m saying. Maybe he’ll make an effort too. Either way, when I meet up with him in person, I intend to talk about it. I need closure. He has a choice to make.