My Head is Spinning

I’m not sure where to start with this blog honestly. A lot has been going on but I just haven’t been up to blogging. I’ve just been stressed and struggling. Even just getting out of bed has been such a struggle. I don’t want to cook, clean, eat, anything. All I want to do is sleep. I know part of it is my depression, no doubt about that, but there’s definitely more to it. I’m starting to think that this may all be linked to my anemia. I think it’s getting worse and I’m kind of afraid of that, cause I mean, if that is the case then there’s so much that could happen. I could have to go back to the hospital and then they’ll want to do a blood transfusion and I don’t want that. There’s also the medicine aspect of things that I don’t want to deal with because that’s ultimately just more stress that I can’t and don’t want to handle.

I mean, I can’t even pick up my medicine now and get to the doctors to get the stuff refilled, let alone if I had to get more medicine. So I don’t know what I’d do. It would just be another issue that goes onto the back burner and I just can’t handle that.

I just feel so overwhelmed and exhausted and stressed and I wish that I could just sleep everything away. I hate feeling like this and I just don’t know how to feel better. :(

I do have some good news though. I sold my Geo Prizm, finally! Thank god. That car was just the definition of bad luck. It just really needed to go. I actually traded it for $250 cash and an iPhone 6S. I was gonna keep the iPhone but decided that I needed the money so I sold it this past weekend for $400. Now I’m gonna take that money aqnd buy a new car. :) I already have one set up. I just have to go pay for and pick it up. :D I’m so excited. It’s a Honda Accord and oh my god, it is gorgeous!! It’s from the 90’s but it looks brand new and I absolutely love it! They wanted $500 for it but I told them if they let me pick it up this week, I could give them $400. I’m so happy!

The bad news is though is that I can’t drive it yet. :( It’ll be a little while. My license is a big mess right now and it’s gonna take about $500 just to fix it and get it back in order. Most of the issues are from the accident I had in my Blazer almost 2 years ago now. I can’t fight any of that anymore which seriously pisses me off. Mum waited to long to “handle it”.

In this passed year, I’ve really learned that I have to handle shit myself because she never does. If it doesn’t directly effect her, she can’t be bothered. It’s not her problem. She doesn’t look at the long run of things and for me, that’s a huge problem because it’s screwing me over. So I’ve started handling my issues on my own and without her knowledge or help. It just works out better. I gotta start looking out for me because see, I have to live with the consequences of her choices and actions regarding my life. She doesn’t. She doesn’t have to deal with any of the consequences of what happens when she doesn’t do what she says she will with my stuff. So I’ve just started handling my own stuff.

Ricky and I are also really up and down. I don’t even know if we’re engaged anymore. I know we’re dating but I don’t know anything else. I’ve learned that he is psychologically and emotionally abusive and we are working on that. To be specific, he’s a narcissist. So why are we still together? Simple. It’s because I can see where he shows the potential to change and fix himself and us. See, my dad is a narcissist as well, but he’ll never change and I know that. I can see that and so can everyone else. Ricky isn’t like that though. He has changed things and fixed his mistakes. He can accept he’s made mistakes. It’s usually after the fact, but regardless. He can accept he’s made a mistake and he does know how to fix things. So that’s why we’re still together. I’ve seen his potential to change and get better, so that’s why I’m continuing to give him a chance.

I guess it’s just really complicated and much more then I can just type out on a single blog post. It’s just a lot of stuff going on regarding Ricky and I.

In other news though, I’m working on NaNoWriMo this year and I’m actually doing pretty well. I mean, it’d be considered sucky and shitty to probably anyone else but to me, it’s a lot of progress. I mean, I’ve actually hit 13k words, which is definitely a lot more then I’ve written in many years passed. So I’m really happy and proud. I really wanna try and win this year but I don’t know how well that’s going to work out. All I can do is say that I’m trying my best and honestly, that’s just the best that I can do. I’ve found that I don’t tend to write at all on the weekends and I’m barely making the daily goal, if I’m making it at all. Still, it’s a lot better then I’ve done in many, many years. So I’m gonna call that progress.

Finally, at our local CVS there are they stray kitties. Ricky and I went there last night to try and catch them. Since it’s getting so cold we’re really worried about them and their health. We didn’t have much luck catching them but we actually did get super close to one of them, which is a huge plus! :D We also met this lady there whose been trying to get the kitties into her SUV, though she doesn’t know what she’ll do with them after that because she can’t keep them in her home. So we spoke to her and said if she can catch any of them, we’d be happy to take them. :) She seemed so happy and relieved to have finally found someone who could and was willing to help. :)

We’ll be meeting up with her again tonight when she goes to feed them. We’re gonna try and catch them again. Not sure how well it’s going to work out, but we’re definitely going to try! :D We gotta get these kitties into the warmth before it gets even colder and they get sick or freeze to death. :( We don’t want that. They’re so cute and fuzzy! So wish us luck!

Anyway, I think that’s everything for now. This blog was kinda long or at least by the word count it is. It doesn’t feel like I’ve written that much or even spoken about much, but I dunno. I’ll try to update my blog more often again. I know I haven’t been doing a very good job at it lately, that’s for sure and I definitely feel bad about that. :/ I just haven’t been up to it in a long time. I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better but I can’t make any promises. All I can do is try my hardest. Thanks, guys! :)