Yesterday was suicide awareness day. Its a day that really holds a place in my heart. I’ve been in that deep, dark place where you feel like the world is just so against you and you feel so terrible about yourself and you’re so miserable. I was going over the posts on twitter about the day, I retweeted a lot of it.
So many people say just to call a hot line. I don’t know if they’ll all like this, but I’ve called some before. A lot of them just make you feel guilty. Like your feelings aren’t as important as the feelings of your friends and family. Like you should live for them, so they don’t feel bad. Its like, who cares about your sadness. Think about those who love and care about you. Suffer and live on for them. No. No. That’s shit to me. You should live for YOU and not anyone else. YOU should be happy. YOU should stay alive for YOU and YOUR future. Not for someone else. Its YOUR life for YOU to be happy in. They should want to find out what they can do to help you and make you feel better. Not make you feel guilty.
I do have one thing to admit though, I slipped up. On the night of September 8th, I cut myself again. I haven’t cut myself since I was 13 or 14. So its been about 4 or 5 years now. I mean, I’ll be the very first to admit that I’ve really thought about suicide over the years, but I’ve kept away from the knife. I’ve been strong enough to resist it. In the past few nights, especially on the nights of the 7th and 8th, its been really hard.
I mean, my dad is suddenly back in my life. He’s suddenly wanting to do things for me and help me. I mean, he’s still bitching about having to help, but its like, whatever. The point is, he’s helping and he’s offering to help. Its suspicious. My dad, never helps anyone but himself unless helping someone benefits him. So it just makes me wonder what exactly he’s after.
What has really gotten me, is the fact that he spoke to mum about how he sees the mistakes he made in the past and he wants to be involved in my life. He wants to try and make up for lost times or whatever. This just turns my entire world upside down. I know, a lot of people would say “that’s great!” but its not great. Its just another added stress that I can’t handle right now.
In all honesty, I don’t want his help. I don’t trust his help. I can’t handle the consequences of his help. I can’t handle another disaster. I’ve been through too much and I’m just not strong enough anymore. I doubt my dad could ever understand this, I wish he could. I mean, he doesn’t want to “bring up the past” but for him, the past was just a small period in his life, for me, that same past, was my entire past. My entire life. He needs to understand that, before he could ever hope to understand me.
All that being said, I’m not even sure if its healthy to have him back in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad and I’ve always wanted him to be in my life, but I need to do the right thing for me. Even if that ‘right thing’ is the hardest thing. I can’t keep putting myself in harms way. I need to make the responsible choice, the healthy choice, even if its hard. I’m not sure if I should even give him another chance. I’ve given him so many and they’ve all ended the same. I can’t take another heartbreak. It’ll literally be the end of me.
Just a note, my dad hasn’t even spoken to me about any of this. He’s spoken to my mum. Not me. So I think that kind of says something too. I guess, that causes a lot of doubts in me too. Maybe he’s not sure how to approach it? With me though, I like it when people get directly to the point. The honest point.
And you know, even if I do give him another chance, before I could ever even think to move on, he needs to take responsibility for all he’s done. He needs to acknowledge all of the lies he’s told. I’m tired of them. I don’t want to deal with the lies and shit anymore. I just want him to admit the truth, about everything. I know how hard that is, I do, but it needs to be done before anything can be resolved.
Anyways, I’ve gotten off topic. Well, I have, but I haven’t. All this, all these feelings, all this stress, I feel like a huge weight is on my shoulders. And its so heavy. I try not to think about it, but its always lingering in my mind. If I think about it too much, I get depressed and I’m afraid I’ll look back to that knife, like I have before. Its like a drug, you get away from it, but its always a temptation. And once you give into it, you have to break the habit all over again.
For anyone else going through depression or thinking of suicide, don’t do it. Your life is worth so much more. You can do whatever you want with your life. Just let yourself have what you want. Don’t let others bring you down. When things get hard, hey, I’m always here to take a part of the load from you. We’ll handle it together. You’re not dealing with it alone. I promise. I’ll always be here for you. I know it feels like you’re dealing with it all by yourself, but it does get better. Sometimes you don’t believe it will, and maybe you’re at the point where you just don’t care, but don’t give up. I can’t give you a good reason why you shouldn’t, because I don’t have a good reason. But you’re worth more alive then dead. There’s so much you can do in life – whatever you want. So don’t just back out. Don’t back out when you’re this far in the game.