You know, I hide a lot of things. I’m always glossing over things. Turning something big into something small, like it’s no big deal. A lot of people say I’m dramatic and can over exaggerate, but if they really knew me, inside, they’d know how much I really under-react. I just have a habit of brushing a lot of things off.
I guess I do it because I don’t want people to worry. I don’t want it to seem like I do or say things for attention. The best example is if I knew I was dying, I probably wouldn’t tell anyone and if I did mention anything, I surely wouldn’t make it sound serious. I’d say something like “Oh, going into the hospital for a few days. I’ll miss you guys!” and that’ll be it. I don’t know why I’m this way.
I can promise one thing though, my mum wouldn’t leave anyone hanging should I die or something. She’d post something on my facebook, website here, twitter, etc to let everyone know. I just wouldn’t let anyone know. I’m not sure why I’m like this.
In a way, I guess I just feel bad for making people worry. I hate it when my life effects other people and their lives. I feel like I’m stealing something away from them. Plus, like I said, i don’t want to be seen as an attention seeker. I got called that a lot and it hurts. It hurts so much especially when it’s not true. I just… I would just rather deal with things alone and keep it all to myself rather then say anything and be called such things.
I’m sure my friends will all go and tell em how they’re there for me and I know they are, but it doesn’t make much of a difference to me. They can say that a million times over but for me, it’s still the same. I still can’t bring myself to speak of the seriousness of a situation – no matter what it is.
Maybe I keep quiet and brush things off a bit for myself too. I never really thought about it that way before until right now, honestly. Maybe by acting like big things are small, it’s a protective mechanism for me? Like, to keep me from panicking and being afraid. I don’t know. I really just have no idea. It’s amazing how little I really know about myself. I mean, this is me and how I feel and how I think and yet, I confuse myself more then anyone else. It’s astounding and utterly ridiculous frankly.
Perhaps one day I’ll understand. So many years I grew up being told who and how and what to be. I told so many lies to escape the reality of things. That’s how things were for me growing up. But by trying to be so many things, by trying to be someone that wasn’t me, I lost sight of who I am. I don’t know how long it’ll take me to get that back. It’s been a good 4 years so far. Each step is a step closer to me and hopefully a step closer to understanding.
One thing I don’t think’ll ever change though, is this. I don’t think I’ll ever really open up to anyone. I’ll always brush important things off. I’ll always pretend major things are little and unimportant. That’s one thing that at this point, I don’t think will ever change. Maybe it is because by saying the reality of the situation, means to admit it to myself and… and maybe that scares me. I don’t know. …Or maybe I do and in my heart I just don’t want to admit it…