What You Call “Friends”

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icon Something that really bothers me, and it really always has, is people who call themselves your friends, but they do absolutely nothing to help you. I’m not talking about the friends who can’t help, either because they’re struggling themselves or because they don’t have the extra money. No, I’m talking about the ones who can afford to buy new clothes, expensive make up, piercings, tattoos, and brand name things that you know that they don’t need.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with buying things for yourself. What I’m saying is, when your friend is suffering and you can help by giving up that piercing or new dress, why wouldn’t you? Maybe it’s just me, but growing up, this was stuff that i did on a daily basis. When my friends were going through hard times (at the time, due to their parents lack of jobs, not making enough, or whatever), I would do everything I could. I gave up toys I wanted, etc so that I could buy them things they needed instead. Sometimes I even went so far as to buy them things they didn’t need just because they wanted it and I knew their parents couldn’t afford it.

To me, when your friend is suffering, you are. When they hurt, you hurt. I can’t even think of buying something for myself when I know that I can help my friends. I mean, if they’re doing fine on their own and they can afford something if they save a little bit, I won’t just BAM! and buy it for them. No. I mean, like my friend, Rachel, she can buy things on her own just fine if she saves the money. If she was in a situation though where she couldn’t put any money aside, because she didn’t make enough money at work or whatever, then yeah, I’d most likely surprise her by buying it for her as a gift.

I grew up constantly buying things for my friends when they needed it. When my friends (they were sisters) were homeless because their house had to be sold and they had no where to go. They came and lived with us. No questions asked. They needed help and at the time, I had the room in my house. So they moved in.

However, since becoming homeless and in a hard situation myself, I’ve noticed how few of my friends have done anything to help even though they’re very capable of doing so. I have one friend who claims to be one of my “best friends” however, she’s never once helped me out at all. :/ She’s more than capable of doing so also! She buys new clothes, wigs, piercings, make up, and tattoos all of the time. I’m sorry, but you can’t give up buying that stuff that you don’t need and help me instead?

I’m sure a lot of you are going to say “You’re being selfish!” or some shit like that. Yeah, it does sound selfish, but think about it. Why wouldn’t you want to do everything you could to help your friends? If they’re such good friends to you, how could you stand to see them suffer, in so much pain, struggling every day? Wouldn’t that just kill you? I look at not me, but how I was and how I am with my friends. So many of them, not even just close friends, but all my friends, even the ones who are more like acquaintances. They suffer and I do everything that I can to help. No, I can’t help with money right now, but I do everything I can. If I had the money and that’s what they needed, then I would give it to them, no questions asked. Because they’re my friends.

So take a minute and think about it. If you needed help, you’d expect your friends to help. If your friend was suffering you would help. And if you wouldn’t, why not? To me, the friends who can help and don’t, they’re not friends. Friendship is about loyalty and love. It’s not about you, it’s about them. My friendships were never about me and what I cold get out of it. It’s always been about what I could do for them. But now that I need help, it’s like… “where are my friends?”

“Where were you, when I needed you?”, “Why aren’t they here helping me?”, “Don’t they care?” these are the questions that run through my mind. Then I think about what I would do if the situation was reverse. If they were the ones homeless and I was the one who could help. I tried looking at it this way to try and understand and I’m sorry, I just don’t. I would help in every way that I possibly could. Just like I always have. So I don’t understand how they can call themselves my friends and not help. To me, it’s not something that I understand. To me, that’s selfish. That’s not friendship.

Friends help each other. When one suffers, they both suffer. When one is lost, they both are. When one hurts, they both do. When one is happy, they both are. It’s like a chain, you pull one link, all the links follow after. Friends are that way. When one gets pulled, all the others follow. They follow not just to suffer with their friend, but to help their friend. To be the light in the darkness. To be the shade in the sun. The guiding hand. To me, that’s how friendship works. I guess I’m the only one who thinks this way anymore though…

Honestly though, my friends have really disappointed me. I can understand those who can’t help. it’s those who can and don’t… How can you not? How can you think of yourself and your wants so much instead of your friend who needs you and your help so badly? How can you just leave them hanging? I don’t understand. To me, that’s like laughing at them as they hand off a cliff, just barely holding on. You can help, reach down and pull them up, but instead you sit back and laugh at the amusement of their struggling. How is that friendship? How isn’t that cruel? How isn’t that selfish?

I always put my trust in my friends. I expect them to treat me like a friend should. We all fuck up, yeah. We sometimes treat our friends badly. But come on. This isn’t a mistake. It’s a choice that you chose to make. So I’m just very disappointed in this choice that my friends have made. it hurts. I don’t understand how you can claim to be my friend and yet watch me suffer and do nothing… That is so cruel. That’s not love or friendship. If that’s what you do to your friends, then I would hate to see what you would do to your enemies.

They say when you fall down, you can see who will help you up. Those who help are your friends. Those who leave you on the ground are the ones not worth keeping around. For me, it’s hard though, admitting to myself that the people I love and consider a friend… aren’t really my friend. I want to believe that I’m wrong. That I made a mistake. That they didn’t realize. But…no matter how I try to justify their actions, I can’t. I can try too, I may want to be able too, but it’s not realistic. I’ve always believed that actions speak louder than words. People can say anything, but their actions are the truth. As much as I wish that wasn’t true, logically, I know it is…

So I can call them my friends, even after they treat me badly, but… I won’t be hurting anyone but myself. I’m just opening myself up to being hurt again. I don’t know what I’ll do. Maybe I’ll just walk away from friends like this. Maybe I’ll talk to them and try to understand.

7 thoughts on “What You Call “Friends””

  1. I know exactly what you mean. Obviously I haven’t been in such a dire situation as yours, but I remember during college when I would give up sleep, study, etc. to help friends who were going through a hard time, who were sick, etc. When the tables are turned and I went through some really tough times, I found that not very many people were willing to take the time to help me in return.

    I try to believe that karma will do its thing in the end, and everything will end up fine. But now that I’ve moved away from most of my friends in Boston, I try really hard to keep in touch but no one else seems to care to do the same. It especially hurts when I see my Boston “friends” expressing interest and planning events when a mutual friend comes back to visit… but when I go back to Boston to visit it’s like pulling teeth to get anyone to come and have dinner with me. Sigh.
    Vivian recently posted…Blizzcon 2013My Profile

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  2. That’s basically why I don’t have a single friend anymore. My only friend is myself, which is always there for some help. We actually help each other a lot! :rockout:

    Jokes apart, I perfectly understand what you mean and even if I’m not your fried, and this is my first comment (and visit) here, I can give you one thing: all the support and understanding a random person on the internet can give.

    Big hugs! :)
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  3. By nature I think humans are really selfish and insecure with money. I don’t think many people want to even help their friends sometimes, because they don’t want to give away their hard earned cash. In that case, if they won’t even lend a little bit to a friend or help them out by buying them something they need, even loaning them, with trust (as a friend!) that they will use it for something they really need — then they are being really stingy with their money. Most people don’t readily need the money they have tucked away. And you’re right, a true friend would not think twice about helping out a friend who doesn’t have a stable home.

    It might look bad when your friends buy things for themselves and don’t help you out, but try to think of their situation. Maybe their parents are not comfortable with them giving money to other people so there is not much you can do. To me it sounds like your friends aren’t even offering moral support or guidance, which is something a friend should do by default if they really care about your welfare.
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  4. I think it is hard to find real friends that really care about each other and have a mutual trust and respect for each other. I would do anything for the friends I care about, but I wouldn’t respect anything in return. But that might be because I have never been in a really bad situation where I needed that.

    I am really sorry that it has come to the point where they have just let you down and hurt you so badly. Maybe you should talk to them, and then decide what is best. You can’t give so much of yourself to people who just want to take and take. *hug*
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  5. They don’t even have to give up on that new piercing or dress… just *postpone* it because helping a friend in need is a *priority* right now.

    Postponing non-critical stuff isn’t bad at all; actually, it would help them appreciate it better when they finally get to buy it. ;) How silly of them!

    *hugs*

    – Luana
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  6. I can totally relate to this post … I grew up being overly generous to my friends as well. Back in highschool, I was the more fortunate one in our group, I’d always have extra allowance cause my folks were spoiling me at the time and so I’d always treat them to the mall after classes. Whenever they needed stuff that they had to save up for, I’d get them for them whenever I had the cash and tell them not to worry about paying me back. When they ran away from home, my house was open too even though my parents didn’t really like the idea of having a stow away in our household I still backed my girls up. It came to the point that they started taking advantage of my kindness though. They got so used to being treated all the time. When we went malling and they wanted something they’d automatically assume I’d get it for them. I became sort of like a doormat really. There came a time when I started rebelling and ran away from home and not a single one of them would take me in their houses even for just the night because they’re parents disappoved and they didn’t bother to fight for me either. I was left alone. That’s when it hit me hard that these weren’t real friends. For a long time after that I had avoided getting too close with other people. I became closer to my family though. I have 4 sisters and 2 brothers which isn’t bad at all cause at least with family you know they always got your back. I’m married now, and still like to keep a distance with friends. We can be close but not too close cause I don’t wanna get stepped all over again. I guess it kinda gave me a phobia.
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  7. Thank you for the Christmas gifts! I’ve added the two banners and button to the websites they were designed for. I really like them! You did a great job! Thank you so much! Happy -late- Holidays! ^_~

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