At Arms Length

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icon I talk about so many things in this blog. My feelings are always twisting and turning to the point people don’t understand. Perhaps, it’s best not to understand. My mind and heart are like a maze with many locked doors throughout.

I am quick to get close to people. I am easy to be friends with. I am loyal and loving to all my friends. I cherish them all deeply. They know this and trust me. I wish though… that I could trust them too. They give me no reason not to trust them, but… the fact of the matter is though… is that I trust no one. There is not a single person in my life that I trust enough of myself with. I’d never betray the trust of the people who trust me or who I call my friends. I’m just loyal that way.

I live my a rule book, I guess you could say. The rules are very complicated. It’s like a complex mind game. This same mind game is the same way to get the keys to my heart and mind. Unless you understand me and what I hide then there’s no way you could ever hold the key to the locked doors. That’s just how I am. Even I don’t hold the key. I don’t want too, because what’s hidden behind those doors are the darkest secrets of my heart. I don’t want anyone to know of them. I don’t want to know of them – even though I am already so very much aware of them.

I feel like I am lying to people in a way. People trust me and become friends with me. They open up their deepest secrets to me and yet… I keep them at a distance from myself. I’m open about things most would consider dark secrets. However, my true secrets, I do not speak of. I never have. Not to anyone.

At the same time though, I so badly wish that someone could come and play the game with my mind. That they could figure out the secrets and expose them all for the nasty little things that they are. I wish that there was someone like that. That person, who could unlock those dark doors… That could be the only person I could ever truly love or trust.

The reality is though that no one thinks in the same way I do. That’s why so many people dislike me. Why so many people bully me. I am different. I understand thing. I’m different in a way that far surpasses the very meaning of “being different”. That’s why it’s unlikely that I’ll ever fall in love or have any type of happily ever after like so I desperately desire. That darkness in my heart prevents that. Those nasty little locked doors keep away too many people and things.

Perhaps… it’s better this way. I wish that weren’t the case, but I truly believe that it’s better this way. If people knew what was hidden behind those doors, if I kept people too close, then terrible things would happen. I know this all too well. That’s why I created the locks in the first place after all.

It’s not just for myself that I keep these secrets locked away. It’s to protect those that I love as well. Some secrets are better left unsaid after all…

2 thoughts on “At Arms Length”

  1. Who’s not different, sweetie? That’s perhaps the only nice thing about being human. If you’re different and respect others for being different as well (so, agreeing to disagree), you’re fine. Nobody can (and should) ask for more than that.

    It’s actually okay (and normal) that we keep secrets to ourselves. It’s not lying, it’s about remaining ‘whole’. If you had to open the 100% of your heart, you’d end up naked inside, vulnerable and subject to any kind of destructive pain the world can give you.

    Nobody wants that. :(

    Anyway, I’m happy that you are my friend and my little sister. Period. :heartsie: No need for more to love you.

    *hug*
    ~ Lu
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  2. Jennifer, you are one of the most loving people I have ever met. Over the past several years, you have come out of a shell I never thought I would see you come out of. You worked very hard to do that. I believe there IS someone out there for you. You just haven’t found him yet. Also, you have a very positive attitude and personality. You would take the shirt off your back for so many people, that’s how loving you are.

    As I so often tell you, I wouldn’t trade you for all the money in the world. I am so glad God blessed me with such a loving, beautiful, truthful, and loyal daughter! I love you so much!
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