The Drift Between Us

icon It’s really hard when you can see how someone you were so close to become someone you knew. Usually, things like that happen and you look back and realized you two had drifted apart and didn’t even notice. It’s a lot harder when you realize it half way through. When you realize how far you’re drifting apart and no matter how hard to try to stop the drift from growing bigger, you just fail.

It’s happening with a friend of mine. We used to be best friends and now we rarely even talk anymore. It seems like the only time we ever talk is when she’s not busy with her offline friends or boyfriend. We usually talk at night, right before she has to go to bed since she has work early in the mornings. I understand having to go to bed early for work, I understand she has to work. No one is asking her not too. It just seems like, we make plans, and she just… stands me up. The last two or three times we made plans, she stood me up.

One time, she suddenly had a date with her boyfriend. I mean, her and I had plans plans before hand and then the day comes, I’m sitting here online all day waiting for her and night falls, she finally signs on. She’s quick to tell me all about her date and doesn’t even bring up the fact that she totally bailed on me. Didn’t say anything at all. Nothing. Just left me hanging. Just because I’m online doesn’t mean I’m not a real human being with a real life and real feelings. I think she forgets that.

This time, she ended up having work. I understand. She posted that she had work on facebook some time last night. I saw it when I woke up and got online. No big deal. She got off a little after noon though and when did she sign on? Eight in the evening. Where was she all day? Oh. She went to hang out at a friend’s house. I sat here and waited for her all day because her and I had plans and she didn’t even say anything. She just didn’t show up. The work part, it’s not a big deal. She got called in. It happens. But then she went over another friend’s house when we already had plans? Then when I try to talk to her about it, she just keeps coming up with ways to justify it and turn it around.

It’s like, anymore, I’m just her last choice. I’m just who she goes to when there’s no one else around. That’s how it feels anymore and it’s like she doesn’t even care.

I tried to talk to her about how we’re drifting apart and I’m her “last resort friend”. She disagrees. She doesn’t see it like I do. It’s been like this for a while. We used to talk all of the time. Now it’s once a month, maybe, and never for very long. Plus, I always have to IM her first. Every time. Ever since she got a boyfriend it’s been steadily moving to this point. I never thought she, of all people, would put a boyfriend before her friend. Well, maybe that isn’t true. I love her to death, but she’s always been kind of self-centered. She’s always had a habit of putting her own feelings and happiness before mine. It’s always been this way so maybe somewhere in my heart I knew that things would end up this way. Perhaps that’s why it hurts so much. To have this realization hit. The drift between us has grown so big and I can see it so clearly.

In all honestly, I wish that her and I could talk about things, but what is there to say? Let’s hang out more? I’ve tried that and she doesn’t show up. I read this series earlier today. I find it kind of ironic that I read it today when I feel like this. It was a short series called Shinyuu to Watashi no Suki na Hito by Yagami Rina.

It was about these two girls who are best friends and a buy comes between them. The one girl kind of likes the guy, but she knows the guy likes her best friend, Ayu. However, she’s afraid that this guy will take away Ayu from her so she tells Ayu that she likes the guy. Soon after, Ayu meets the guy and ends up liking him. To make a long story short, Ayu ends up refusing to date the guy because her most important person is her best friend and she feels like her best friend needs her more then he does. So the two girls and the guy all remain friends. The guy promises to always like Ayu and wait for her though.

It was a really perfect ending. In a way, I wish that my friend had done what Ayu had. Ayu wanted to be there for her friend because she knew her friend needed her. She put her friendship before a boyfriend. Even though the best friend said that Ayu could date the guy. Ayu knew that her friend needed her more at that time.

I wish that things had gone like they did in the series I read. However, it can’t. Real life doesn’t happen that way. After all, that’s why they call it fiction. I know it’s selfish, but I wish that my friend and her boyfriend weren’t together. I wish that they weren’t getting married. I wish she wasn’t moving on and leaving me behind. It’s selfish and I know it makes me a terrible person for thinking this way, but I can’t help it. These are my feelings and I don’t know how to fix or make them better.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad that she’s happy and I would next in a million years tell her to break up with him. They make each other really happy. She loves him and he seems to really love her. I’d never ask her to break up with him or anything similar. But at the same time, it still hurts.

She deserves to be happy though. She deserves all the happiness in the world. Nothing less. Even if that means I get left behind. I usually am left behind by people anyways. No one has ever stayed in my life for long, so I tend to only get so attached. So, all I can really do is stuff my own feelings aside – no one cares about them anyway – and be happy for her. I’ll always be there to support her and cheer her on, no matter how much it hurts.

I can give myself credit for one thing; I’ve always been good at faking happiness. I’ve done it for as long as I can remember. Putting on a smile when all I want to do is cry, it’s something I’ve always done. It won’t be hard to keep doing it. That being said, sometimes, it’s nice when someone can see through that facade, but no one ever does or at least, they never care enough to say anything.

So no matter how happy I am for my friend, it still hurts. It hurts a lot. There aren’t any words to put into it. How it feels. All I can say is that it hurts. It hurt so much. Unless someone goes through this, there’s no way that they could ever really understand how I feel.

I feel terrible for being so selfish and wishing they weren’t together and I feel terrible because we’re not really best friends anymore. We can still call each other that, but it doesn’t feel like that. Being best friends isn’t just about talking to each other all the time. It’s that feeling you get when you’re around them. You know that no matter how much time passes, you’ll always be friends.

With her and I… that isn’t the case anymore. I can see the drift coming between us. How we make plans and she doesn’t show up, then comes up with excuses as to why she didn’t. How she does things in her life and I’m always the last to know. Best friends aren’t supposed to be the last to know. Aren’t they usually who you tell first about big things? We’re supposed to be there for each other, care for each other, help each other. That’s what best friends do. But… it feels like I’m the only one even holding onto this friendship. Like it’s only me whose trying to fix things and keep our friendship together. That’s how it feels.

To me, it’s like… If I told her that I didn’t want to be her friend anymore, she would just say “I’m sorry you feel that way.” and that would be the end of it. Friendship over. A friendship, let alone best friends, should never feel that way about their friendship or each other. That’s just… not how it’s supposed to be… But… that’s how it is.

Even if she can’t see the drift between us. I can and seeing it hurts so much. It feels so lonely. This friendship doesn’t even feel like a friendship anymore. It feels just like a glass window with the glass splintered with a million lines running through it. One false move and the window will just shatter to pieces. The pieces are just barely being held together up there and every time I look, the splinters in the glass are getting worse and worse. I’m just waiting for the pieces to crumble to the floor.

That’s how it feels. She’s on one side of the window and I’m on the other. She’s on the inside and I’m just looking in watching. It’s kind of like being a third wheel. You’re not really needed. It hurts… Watching as her life plays out so happily, plays out without me.

I’ve always wanted to believe that friendships were meant to last forever, but in the end, I logically know that they don’t. You can fix them a million times over, but they don’t last forever. Nothing lasts forever. People will always leave you. That’s just how it works. That’s how it always works.

I especially wanted out friendship to last forever, but as I watch the drift between us grow, I know that soon it’ll be over. I know that the drift will grow so big that soon, I won’t even be able to see her past the drift anymore. Like so many friends before her. Still… I really wanted this one to last.

I think, in some ways, I’m too selfless while in others, I’m too selfish. I tend to think a lot about the happiness of others. I want to do whatever I can to fix all their problems and make sure that they don’t make mistakes in life. I try to put people on the happiest path possible. I encourage them and love them and stay by their side endlessly until they decide they don’t need or want me and push me away. I never just walk away from them or leave them behind.

But what makes me selfish is then when they are happy, I become more miserable due to their happiness. I become jealous and upset with their happiness. I find myself wishing they weren’t happy with their lives, but happy just being my friend. I’m just selfish that way. I don’t know why. It makes me feel like a terrible and horrible and ugly person.

I feel like such a hideous person because I do everything I can to make them happy and then when they are, I want to take that very same happiness away from them. How sick does a person have to be to think like that? To want to do that?

I hate it. I should just be alone for the rest of my life. I always end up alone anyway. That’s why I never fully open myself up to anyone. Even people I consider my best friends. I hide many things from them. I hide them from everyone. My feelings, emotions, thoughts, so much. I don’t want people to see or know different parts of me because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of them knowing too much. I’m afraid of trusting people with too much or with much at all. I don’t trust people. I never have because people always leave. I know this. I know this all too well. So it’s better not to put faith or trust in someone because in the end, they will ultimately betray you. That’s just how it works.

Still, it hurts to be alone. It hurts even more when you wanted to believe that someone would be there forever and then suddenly you find them, drifting away from you. When you feel that loneliness wash over you once again. It’s so cold. Like frostbite. That cold burns so badly, but there’s no warmth in sight to take the edge off. Nothing to stop that burning loneliness.

When you make a friend who is there whole-heartedly for you, you forget that loneliness for a time. You’ll feel it come and go, but it’s never so painful. So then, when that person leaves you, moves out of your life, and that loneliness returns, it’s much more painful then before. At least before you had finally grown used to it. Grown numb to the burning. But now, you have to grow numb to it all over again and you’re not sure that you can. You’re not sure that you can make it through this time.

I hate it. I hate all of this. It hurts so much… I can’t focus on anything else. The pain is over whelming and I just want it to stop. I don’t want to go through this anymore. I wanted us to be best friends forever. I don’t want to watch us drift apart. It’s too hard…