I really can’t be sure how many people will understand this blog. I’m not even sure that I understand it. Lately, I’ve been going through so much. So many bad things have happened. So many days i feel like giving up. Just ending it all and going to the eternal sleep. At the end of the day though, I go to bed and await the next day.
I feel so lost, so pained, so broken. I feel like I’ve fallen so far into the hole, that just gets deeper and deeper. Its like I’ll never find my way out. I feel at a loss, like, even giving up, I’ll never escape. I’ve slipped under the water, and the clear liquid is filling my lungs. There’s no surface and even if there was, I’m too far gone to get to it, to find it. There’s no one calling, nothing to work for.
I dunno if I’ve given up on the situation and just accepted it or what. I just feel so alone. No one really gets it. Logically, i know there are people out there who do get it, but in my mind, in m,y heart, I feel so alone.
I’ll admit, i had a brief period of complete and utter happiness. His name was Michael and he was, in fact, my sunshine. I’m doing fine now that we’re over, but its like, once again, my sunshine has been taken from me. I do miss him very much. I see though, that i deserve better then him. Though with that said, I know I’ll regrettably, settle for less. I am so afraid of being alone. I hate this feeling I have inside me. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I’m so tired of it. Everyone I know has a relationship going on, is happy, has a normal life, but me. I just can’t stand it anymore.
I can admit it, I’m jealous. I’m envious. I always have been. Maybe I’m even still angry. I don’t even know. I feel like I’ve lost connection with who I am. I feel like it doesn’t matter who I am. I feel like I’m nothing. I mean, if I’m meant to be someone, then who? What am I “meant” to do? What am I going through all of this for? Some kind of cruel and twisted joke? Some form of amusement for the people “upstairs”? maybe it doesn’t matter, maybe my life has no point. Does it even matter?
Honestly, who would miss me if I no longer existed? No one. That’s just it. No one would miss me. I doubt anyone would notice. The fact is, if anyone did notice, it would only be for a short time and then, they would undoubtedly forget. Maybe once every few years they’ll remember me and say “hey, what ever happened…?” but that too, will one day fade completely. That’s just how it works. People move on and memories fade. People fade.
At this point though, I don’t even care. I don’t care about anything. I want to go home and just bury myself under the covers. But there is no home. There’s no where I can call my own. I’m tired and drained. I don’t know where I’m going or why and I just don’t want to go any further. I just want to sleep and never wake up. Too bad its not that easy. Death isn’t easy. Nothing is easy.