I’d Miss His Smile…

icon For the first time, I’m going to say that I hate relationships. I hate love. At least… At least when it feels like this. I’ve been in and out of a lot of relationships. They were this or that, but that they didn’t work out. It never hurt to end them, not be with that person anymore, or anything like that. I may have cried when we first broke up, but by the next day or so, I was fine. I got over it and moved on.

So when did I become like this? I just don’t get it. I want to be around him all the time. I love being with him. I love him. He’s running around my brain constantly and just won’t leave me alone. When did I become so… crazy for this guy? It’s so stupid. I never put my heart into anything. I always keep it locked away so protected. I always keep it from getting hurt. I’ve been this way… all my life really. I always protected myself. So how did it turn out like this?

I can’t tell you how stupid I feel. Between my last blog and now, I’ve carefully considered my feelings. I’ve thought about both guys and what I thought of them both. I looked at what was different and what was the same about them. I just kind of thought everything over. It took a lot of consideration. Then, I realized that it didn’t matter what I thought of either one. It didn’t matter who or what I deserve. It didn’t matter what I wanted. All that mattered was what my feelings were. I love only one of them. The one I love though, isn’t the right one.

In the end though, I love him. It doesn’t matter if he’s who I want to love or not. He’s the one that I do love. As long as he’s the only one on my mind, I can’t just go off and be with someone else. It’s not fair to that person.

So I have two options from this point. I can either try to get this to work with the man that I love or I can walk away. I really thought about this a lot too. I’ve tried to work things out with him, talk to him about my feelings and such. He doesn’t listen. It seems he can’t understand.

I’ve decided at this point to try one last thing. I’m… just going to step back. I’m going to give him some time to himself. I don’t wanna seem or be clingy, you know? It’s so hard though because I so badly want to be with him. I want to see him. I always have so much fun together with him. In the end though, I need to make a choice that ultimately is best for me. No matter how badly that choice may lead to hurting myself, I need to do what’s best for me now.

So I’m stepping back. I’m gonna see what he does. His actions or lack of such will be my decision maker. If he really cares and wants us to have some kind of relationship, then he’ll come to me. I’m giving myself till about December 1st – maybe a little later – to come to some sort of decision. I’m gonna see what he does or doesn’t do during this month. I’m just gonna sit back and wait.

If he does nothing, then I’ll be making the decision to move on, away from him. It’ll be hard, I’ll be the first one to admit this. However, I’ll live. I’ll find someone better, who will love me in the way he couldn’t.

If he does something, it’ll depends on what he does. If he gets a hold of me and we hang out, we’re gonna have to have a talk. I need to know what I am to him. What does he see me as? If he can’t or doesn’t answer then that’s it. I need to know what he wants in this relationship. He has a lovers attitude about things. I want a boyfriends attitude about it. I’m not trying to force him into anything. However, if we both don’t want the same things, it’s not going to work no matter how we try to stay together.

The funniest thing about all this is that we’re not even dating. We broke up months ago. This all started by his wanting to get back together. He did make an effort. We started hanging out more and had a lot of fun doing so. That being said, just hanging out more doesn’t constitute a relationship. There’s more to it, to even considering a relationship with someone.

So far it seems like we want different things. It hurts to say that because that’s not what I want to hear, let alone admit to. It’s the truth though. That said, I don’t want to force what I think onto him. Like, say we do want the same thing and I just haven’t seen it that way? Like his thoughts and feelings aren’t coming across to me in the way I’m expecting? So I’m interrupting them wrong. You know? I don’t want to do that. So for that reason, I’m just keeping an open mind.

If we get together, I’m gonna talk to him. If we don’t, then we know where this relationship is going. Either way, it’s only got two paths that it can follow. We can work it out or walk away from it. Those are the only two paths. So it’s one or the other. Let’s see which one he wants us to take. I want to work it out, but I can’t do that alone. That’s not something anyone can do by themselves. A relationship takes two people. I’m putting the choice in his hands entirely.

In the end, I really just want him to be happy. I want to be happy to though. I love seeing him smile and I love smiling with him. I love to joke around with him. I just hate wanting to cry between all the good times. I should be happy more then I’m miserable. I can’t force anything on him though, I don’t want too. I want his happiness. He’s got such a beautiful smile. More so then any other I’ve seen. I love seeing him happy. So that’s what I want.

I want him to be with someone who makes him happy and who is happy with him. He deserves that. He really does. Just because we may not be a good match, doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve to find someone for him. He’s a great guy. He’s sweet, funny, kind of an idiot sometimes, he can be super romantic – not like flowers or anything. What he does and where he’s taken me are way better then any flowers. – he’s smart too, he’s a fast learner, he can bitch and complain sometimes, he’s just… he’s a doll. He’s a major sweetheart. I love seeing him smile. I hope he always does, no matter what.