After my stoke, which I spoke about in my last post, things got so hectic. A lot of personal things happened and I’m not going to get into all of them in a private blog, but I ended up taking some serious time to myself. I got offline completely and really focused on myself, my health, future, goals, family, everything. It’s been a long time since I’ve done anything like that before. It was well over due and very needed. I think it came with good timing too, being just before the new year. I say this because the last several years have gone just horribly. I also haven’t put much into them. It’s been a lot of trauma, hardships, medntal health struggles and conquoring, and more. But in these years, I havedn’t really fought for anything either. I haven’t fought for myself, my life, or my health in a long time.
I fully intend to make this year different. I’m getting back into my blogging and websites. I’ve started reading again. Reading was something that I used to love and enjoy so much. Hell, back in 2013 and 2014, I read around 500 books a year – more in 2014 and less in 2013. In 2015 though, I only read a little over 100 books and in 2016 to 2019, I read 7. That’s terrible! I love reading and I haven’t in so many years. I just hate it. I miss books. I also miss writing – blogs, poetry, novels, and even just working on books with my best friend. I haven’t done much writing in years either. I’ve also put my art (digital, painting, candles, and more) all on hold as well.
In the last several years, I have lost or given up huge parts of myself and I fully intend to take them back. I’ve let my bills get behind and then even when I catch them up, I let them get behind again. I can’t keep doing that. I never used to let my bills get behind. The first of the month came and I’d have the bills paid. No if’s, and’s, or but’s. That’s just how it was. Somewhere along the line, I got too careless and I need to stop that. I intend to have every single one of our bills caught up by the end of January. On top of that, I intend to start sending in extra payments in to pay off certain things faster – like our mortgage, car, and such. I don’t like or want debt. So I intend to get the stuff paid off as soon as possible.
I’ve lost a huge part of myself in these last years. In the last few months since my stroke, I’ve really sat back and taken a good, hard look at myself. I feel like I lack substance. I exist to just exist. I’m not living for anything or doing anything with my life. I have goals but do nothing to work towards them. I’m putting a stop to that. I miss myself. I miss me. I’m a strong woman and I’ve lost sight of that in the last several years. I’ve never been one to back down or hide behind someone else. That’s never been me. I’m loud, proud, independant, creative, opinionated, strong, intellegent, and so much more. I can’t believe that I let myself forget all of that, or let go of it, whatever the case. That’s not how I should be and it’s most certainly not who I want to be. It’s not me.
I have dreams and goals. I have an entire futue ahead of me. I’m nearly and I’m not getting any younger here. I’m tired of just going about my life as if it had no meaning. It haqs meaning. My life is whatever the hell I want it to be. I just need to take hold of it again. I need to look at everything going on around me, everything effecting me, everyone who’s toxic in my life, and make better choices to ensure my future. That said, it’s not just me. I need to make better choices for my husband and my children. I need to secure a future and stability for them.
I have a lot of people who want to see me fail and I know that. I have people trying to make me fail. They’re working hard to push me down and keep me down. I’m just not going to sit back and let them win anymore. It’s just not me. In these last months, I’ve remembered who the fuck I am. I’ve learned just how strong I am. I’ve realized how much I have conquored my mental health – which used to control a huge part of my life. Along with the constant medications and side effects that came with it. I got off all of my meds over a year ago now. I learned coping skills and how to handle my mental health. It’s gotten me to a much better and healthier place. A place I don’t ever remember being at. I know how to handle my mental health now. I know triggers and how to deal with them. I have a support system. I am in a stronger and better place now then I have ever been on all the medications that I used to take for this shit. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy getting to this point and for the longest tine, I thought that I still needed those meds. I thought that my mental health was still so delicate and that I was some fragile little flower. I’m not.
In this time that I took, I learned just how strong and resiliant that I really am. I don’t intend to ever go back to being some weak little flower. I have dreams and goals. I have a future. I just need to take hold of it. I’m already working on all of it. I used to always have high hopes and I always intended to go above and beyond everyone’s expectations. I don’t know when I gave up on all of that, but I’m taking it back. I’m tired of the world beating me down. I’m tired of constantly procrastinating, pushing things off, making shitty short term fixes that hurt us long term, and of just going about my life like a damn leaf floating on the waves of a stream. I’m going against the waves and the water now. I’m taking back my life, because it was always mine and always mine to take hold of. I don’t know when I gave up that control but I’m taking it back.
Every New Years, people say “new year, new me” and for me, it’s true, but it’s also, “new year, old me” because I’m taking back the me that I lost so long ago. So this year will mark a new me, but it’ll also be the return of the old me that I lost. I’ve changed so much and given up so much in these years. That’s over. So don’t wish me luck. Don’t pray for me. Just keep watching and know that I’m gonna come out on top.