21st Birthday Plans…

icon On April 16th, I’ll be turning 21. Well, everyone wants to go out drinking for their birthday, right? It’s like a tradition for everyone! It’s something one does to show that they’re finally old enough to drink! That you’re a legal adult now! Even I plan to go and do this! My mum and some friends of mine are all making plans to take me out for my birthday to go drinking and partying.

Out first I was really excited! I was totally looking forward to it! Now… not so much. I’m terrified. Not because of what you might think. I’m not afraid drinking or anything. I’m not afraid of becoming an adult. I don’t wanna grow up, but I’m not afraid of it. I’m not afraid of getting drunk. I’m not afraid of some stupid hang over or something like that. No. It’s nothing like any of that.

I’m afraid of going to a bar, knowing that I’ll be able to. You see, I like to drink. I like to drink too much. I’ve been drinking my entire life, with and without my parents knowledge. I have a very clear limit set for myself. I can have one glass. Whatever size it is. That’s all I can have. I don’t care what occasion it is. I can have one glass. However, for my birthday, everyone is like “Drink all you want! Try this! Try that!” And frankly, the reality is that I’ll be old enough to do so. We’ll also be going someplace where it’ll be free to try any drink you want – as many drinks as you want all day/night. I can tell you right now, I’ll break my rule and I’ll drink way more then one glass. Why? Because I like to drink.

You see… I am so close to being an alcoholic. Bars are such a lovely temptation. They’re easy to avoid most of the time. I can just say no and not go. However, for a time like this. It’s my birthday and I really want to celebrate it like everyone else my age. I want to try a ton of a drinks. I want to get drunk off my ass. That bad part is, I know I’ll be pushing myself much too far. I’m the type of person who if I break a rule once, I’ll do it over and over and over again. That’s just how I am. If I allow myself to make the excuse even once, even for my birthday, I’ll do it a million times over.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t sit around drinking all day. In fact, I don’t drink much at all. I like to keep it that way. I am close to being an alcoholic. I am not one. I love to drink. One sip always tempts me to have another. So after a sip or two, I always push it away. It’s too tempting otherwise. Especially with drinks that I really love. The more I love it, the more likely I am to push it away because otherwise it’s just too tempting. I like to push the drinks away before I get a buzz because if I allow the buzz, I’ll drink more and more. So I just don’t allow it. I enjoy the taste and nothing more. I don’t drink enough to get anything from it, not even a buzz.

On my birthday though, I’ll be drinking a lot more though. So it terrifies me. All the limits I’ve put on myself all these years I’ll be breaking. A lot of people can’t understand and I can’t really explain. I don’t know how to explain. All I can say is that the idea of going through with these plans, though they might be a lot of fun, might also be a really bad idea…

So… I guess I really just have no idea about what I should do. I don’t know who I should talk to about it. I mean, everyone’s already kind of made the plans. I don’t want to let them all down. I also wanna do things that every other person my age does. But… I guess I also need to think about my future well being at the same time and this… could kinda ruin it. I just don’t know what to do. I’m really conflicted and scared and confused.

Guess I’m kinda screwed?