Living for Myself

icon I’ve really been thinking about everything that’s happened to me in recent months. Everything from the parties, to Joey, to the drama that came with him, to the heartache, Mark, and even Jeff. I’ve just really been going over everything that’s happened and where it’s going. It’s not going anywhere really. That’s the major problem with all this. None of it’s going anywhere or getting any better. Nothing is changing and I can’t make it change. All I can do is take control of my life again.

Somewhere along the lines of the last few months, I’ve basically handed my life and everything with it over to Joey and I can’t stand that. Since when have I let my life revolve around some guy? Never. This would be the first time. As much as I may love Joey, my life does not belong to him. It belongs to me and nobody else. So it’s about time that I take it back.

Out first I thought that I had to keep connections with Joey in order to be able to do the things I enjoyed doing while with him. The fact of the matter is though, that I don’t need him. I can do things on my own and have fun myself. I can go meet other people. It’s not hard to do. I mean, I did it just the other day! I went off roading to a place where Joey had introduced me to and there was a whole party going on back there! I met a lot of people and had a lot of fun! :)

Now I’m planning to go and play airsoft. I’ve never done it before. Joey spoke about it a lot and made it sound like a lot of fun! I asked him a few times to take and teach me, but he’s got every excuse as to why he can’t or won’t. So whatever. I’ll go myself and learn. Simple as that. Sure, I’d love for him to take and teach me, but I’m not going to wait for him to one day do it. I’m tired of waiting around.

Joey opened up my world, I won’t deny that. He lit a flame in me that even I didn’t know could be lit. He’s changed my life and now that he’s walking away, I’m going off on my own. I’ve always been one to stand up on my own two feet. I’ve never relied on anyone else to take control of my life. That’s bull. He lit the flame, but I’m going to take advantage of it. If I wait around for him, that flame will burn out. No. I want to keep it lit. There is a whole world out there and a ton of people to hang with! :) I don’t need him to have fun. :P

A mutual friend of Joey and mine’s spoke to me yesterday. She really got me thinking and I think I’ll have a talk with Joey about things. She thinks that Joey really loves me and honestly, I do too. I mean, if I have a question about something, he’ll give me advice and help me out.

The other day I went to the mall with my boyfriend, Jeff. Well, the back tag off my truck was stolen and Joey showed up at the mall. He found out and called security for me. I didn’t even have to ask him. He just offered and did it before I could even say anything. Then security told us to call the police and he did that for me too. Again, I didn’t even have to ask. He even stood there and waited with me for like two hours while we waited for the police.

Jeff didn’t even really seem to care about what was happening. He didn’t care that my tag was stolen or anything. It was unbelievable. Joey might not have said much, but he was there and quick to help me out and even wait there with me. That was enough for me. It was really sweet and I really appreciated it. Joey can be an asshole at times, but he wasn’t then.

Later that night, he even helped me put gas in my truck (I’m not allowed). He even let me follow him and though he drove like a damn maniac and made me do the same, it was a ton of fun! It’s funny because he said he was trying to lose me, but everytime he did – like a car would get between us or he’d get too far ahead – then he’d slow down and wait for me. That’s just Joey and I love him for it. We can both be mean to each other, but when it really counts, we’re there for each other.

All that said, it’s not always like this. I wish he’d include me in his life, but he won’t. He pushes me away. If I try to walk away though, he’ll pull me back. He always keeps me within reach. Fair enough. I love him, so I’ll stay within reach. That said, I’d not going to stand there waiting for him either. I’m going to leave and walk out that door, but I’ll leave the door open for him. So when he’s ready, he can always come back. I’m going to go about my life, date who I want, and do what I want. I’m not going to wait around for him.

Maybe in a few years he’ll have matured enough to come around and start things up for real. Love doesn’t die easily, but that doesn’t mean either of us might not find love in someone else. As I said, I’m leaving the door open for him, but I’m not waiting for him. If I happen to find someone who I love, I’ll be with them. Even if Joey does come back, I won’t take him back if I’ve found someone else to love. I’m just tired of this waiting around. It’s about time I lived my own life again.

Like our friend said, in a few years he’ll have matured and maybe by then he’ll have decided what he wants. She thinks that he’ll come around and maybe he will. He’s been trying so hard to keep me around, so maybe he really will. I don’t know, but what I do know is that it won’t be right now. I’m tired of waiting for something that may take years. I could be out doing something with my life. You know?

So I’m not totally leaving him behind. I’m just not going to stand there waiting. No. I’m just going to go about my life until he decides what he wants to do with his. He’ll always be welcomed back into my life and we’ll always be friends. I’ll always love and care about him and be there if he needs me. No question about it. I’m just not going to let my life revolve around him and what he may or may not be doing anymore. I’m taking my life back.

Him and I had a lot of fun and I do hope that we will again, but for now, I’ve got to get up and start walking. I have a life to live. I have two legs and a heart beat. I’m not just going to sit here anymore. My life is changing and so am I. :) This is my choice because it’s my life to live. It’s time I cared about myself and put myself first. My happiness is the most important. Time to stop sitting around being miserable. I don’t need to try so hard. If he wants me, he will come around. If not, then so be it. I’ll be alright. I always have been. I’ve never been a weak person. I’m not starting now.