Who She Is

icon I gotta bring this up! Shaiann might be mad at me at me about it when she reads it, but I gotta say something. I’ve never blogged about Shaiann before, so let me catch you up. She’s my BFF and has been for like… 6 or 7 years. She says we met sometime in August I think. I don’t know how she remembers stuff like that!

Anyway! She saw my previous blog post and was angry because she wasn’t mentioned. See, the thing is though, she deserves a special place, someplace all of her own. She’s been my friend for so long, we have fights, but its always okay.

Now let me explain, before she gets mad at me again! See, all of the things she’s done for me, there’s so much that I couldn’t talk about it all in a blog post with what others have done. All of the things she’s done… there’s just so much. She’s always held a really special place in my heart and life. A place that no one, not any other friend or BFF, ONLY HER, ONLY SHE has this place or anything like it with me. This is a place of… there’s not even a word, there really isn’t.

But see, in this place, there’s no secrets. I can do things with her, I can’t do with anyone else. Like talk on the phone. With her, its so much less scary. In remember, not long after we met, she was upset for some reason and we talked on the phone. She reminded me of this and though I don’t remember it real well, I do remember it. And when she was angry with me the other day, I called her to get her to try and talk to me. She’s that important. With anyone else, I wouldn’t call, I’d just wait a few days and try to talk to them again and see what was up. With her though, it can’t wait because she’s my best friend ever. No one even compares.

We’ve exchanged gifts, jokes, texts, IMs, emails, rps, love, laughs, fights, everything. She’s gotten me some of the nicest gifts though she refuses to send many of them because she’s afraid I won’t like them. Its silly because I would love all of them because they’re from her. :) Its the fact that she things of me, its so sweet. I mean, just out of the blue, she’ll buy me a gift and not even say anything. I can’t believe it. Its something no one else has ever done.

I mean, she’s told me of an entire, big old box of gifts that she’s gotten me over the years and never sent to me. I just can’t get over that! She didn’t finally send me one of the gifts; this past fall I think? It was a really cute pair of sandals! You wouldn’t even believe! I’ll have to dig out a picture to show you. I posted about them on twitter. I was supposed to take a picture of me wearing them for Shaiann but with the Ed fiasco I never got a chance and they were put into storage. :(

That’s just one gift she’s sent! I mean… honestly, its not just the gifts. Yes, I LOVE gifts, we all know that. And yes, the gifts are huge, sent or not, because it means she loves and cares about me and thinks about me when she’s out. :) But its more the just gifts. She’s given me a best friend that no one can replace. She often gets upset when I tell her that I’ve made a new friend because she thinks that I’m replacing her, but frankly, that’s just impossible.

For those of you who don’t know Shaiann, let me tell you. She’s the most amazing, random, indescribably unique, and best friend that you’ll meet or make. There’s no one in the world, heaven, hell, or space that’s anything like her. She’s changed a lot of the years and I can’t put it all into words, but the change isn’t a bad thing.

I know that I can trust and tell her anything in the world, no matter what. We’re honest with each other. I know and never have to fear she’ll judge me because she won’t. She knows me probably a lot better then anyone else. She yells at me and is honest with me. Sometimes she can be a bit difficult to deal with, like getting her to say something – like why she might be angry with me. Its hard to get her to tell me why, but its okay. I’d go the end of the world for her. :)

One day, we’re gonna meet in real life and its gonna be… wow! I’m really excited! We’ve tried a few times to meet, but things happened and it just hasn’t worked out yet. It will though. :)

I have to say though, my biggest fear with her is that I might lose her. Like one day I’ll fuck up so badly and she won’t want to be friends or something anymore. :( My life just wouldn’t be the same. Shaiann and I don’t have to talk every day, but she’s always on my mind. She’s my friend, my best friend, but even more then that. she’s a real true friend. She’s been there for me always, through thick and thin. Even when I was a complete mess and just… blamed everyone for the shit going on in my life. I was angry and upset and I would blame her. She would just take it and love me. She only complained once because I didn’t even know I was doing it and she told me. No one else has ever done that for me before. Taken all my pain and just loved me for it all anyway.

Honestly, I can’t put into words how important she is to my life. She’s irreplaceable. While others may have made changes to my life, she’s made changes to how to see life. Without her, I couldn’t see past my own goddamned nose. Without her, I’d be depressed and unable to even take another’s advice. Without her, I’d be a cut up, bloody, over make-up covered, drug-using, FUCK UP. That’s what I’d be without her. So yeah, others have given me advice to help me reach happiness, but without her, I never would have even been able to use, see, or understand that advice. I doubt I’d even be hear to take the advice! I’d be too busy getting high or some shit.

Without Shaiann, I’d be a real fucked up mess. So sure, others have made a change in my life, but none like she has. No one has made a big of change to my life or to me, like she has. She’s changed more then my life, she’s changed me. I owe my entire life and being to her. No one could understand. She’s been there by my side for so long and I don’t believe we’l ever break off our friendship. I couldn’t be me without her. She’s taught me and helped me more then I could ever explain and much more then she could even realize.

So she may get angry at me over stuff, sometimes silly stuff, but I love her. :) She’s my best friend and this post, it doesn’t even give you a portion of everything she’s done for me. It just gives you a small, very general idea.

I just hope that one day, somehow, I can repay her for everything she’s done for me. I don’t think I can, but I hope.