I’m so full of bullshit, that’s it’s not even funny. I make a resolve to give him a month and I ended up totally breaking it. I contacted him pretty frequently throughout last week. I guess I was trying to work through my feelings about the whole thing. I was trying to really sort things out and I did. I finally came to a… more permanent decision. I decided to walk away.
I made it official with him on Friday. He was ignoring me all week and I just looked over everything that had happened, what was happening, where we were going, where we weren’t going, what we were doing, what I wanted, and what he wanted. I just went over everything in my head. I spoke to some of my friends and a ton of them yelled at me – one even cussed me out. Apparently one friend found out all the juicy little details – the stuff I don’t share online with everyone else – and she told like all my other friends. So then everyone was all over me about him and us and just everything regarding the relationship – or lack there of.
Don’t get me wrong now, most of them were entirely correct in what they had to say. They didn’t influence my choice though. After considering everything, I knew what was best. Honestly, I knew what was best for me all along. I just didn’t want to take that route because I didn’t want to let go. I mean, I loved him – I still do. So letting go was the absolute last thing that I wanted to do. In the end though, I knew that he didn’t feel the same way about me and he never would. It just took me a while to actually accept this and that was hard.
I spent most of last week crying over everything. I did a lot of thinking. I did very little sleeping and absolutely no eating. I’ve lost 5 pounds in the last week – in counting. I did catch up on sleep yesterday and last night. So that’s very good. I slept for a good 22 hours or so. Maybe a little less because part of the night I tossed and turned. A good part of the night was spent actually sleeping, which I really needed. I’m still not eating though. I know, not healthy, but I’m just not hungry. I did manage to do at least a little snaking yesterday, which it definitely better then I had been doing for the last week or two…
Well, Friday came and… I finally came to a choice. I argued with myself all day over the stuff. I kept going back and forth with everything. I basically spent the entire day crying on and off over shit. I did it though. Evening came – well, nine at night – and I finally just knew what I had to do. I went for a walk, gave Joey a call, and just put an end to everything. I told him I loved him, apologized for not telling him and for whatever I did to make him angry and ignore me. I also said how I hope he finds happiness with someone else – he deserves that. He really does.
Everyone has been telling me what a loser and asshole he is, but he’s not. He can be an asshole, but… he’s not one. I can be a bitch, but I’m not a bitch. Anyone can be something sometimes, be it a bitch, asshole, jerk, or whatever, but that doesn’t mean they’re one all the time. That’s the difference. He could be an asshole at times, but he wasn’t one. He was and is, a great guy. He just had a different attitude towards relationships then I did and that’s why it could never work. He wanted two different things.
The main thing I didn’t like was that he basically held onto me while he had a girlfriend – allegedly. I found this out on Friday. In order to reply to my voicemail message, Joey sent our friend Mark a note and just told him to tell me that he couldn’t talk to me because his girlfriend wouldn’t let him. I’ll be the first to say that any girlfriend like that is annoying. I wouldn’t let my boyfriend tell me who I can and can’t talk to and as a female myself, I don’t feel any girlfriend has the right to tell a guy who they can or can’t talk to either, but whatever. It’s his choice and I’m not gonna get into it.
I was just kind of upset because it’s like now you have a girlfriend but you’re still holding onto me by not actually ending it? At the same time, i couldn’t get mad at him because we weren’t actually dating. At least, not officially. But I mean, he’d been begging me to take him back, took me on dates fairly often, and then just goes out with someone else? So I am a little upset about that, but I can’t blame him for it either because I had told him that we weren’t getting back together.
In one way, I wish I had taken him back when he asked. I wish I could go back and say yes when he had asked. At the same time though, it’s better that I hadn’t. I know this logically, but it’s still hard to accept, even now, because I want to be with him. I always seem to want the things that aren’t good for me. Go figure. lol So even though I wish that I had said yes when he asked to start our relationship over again, I’m also glad that I said no because I mean… it was bound to fail no matter how I look at it. It couldn’t have worked out because like I said before, we wanted two different things. The relationship was doomed to failure as long as that was the case.
I’ve said before that I wished I could have taken all of this back. I wish I could take back ever hanging with him, but… that’s no true either. Out first, that’s definitely how I felt, but as I thought it all through more, I realized that’s not what I wanted. I’m thankful for all the time I spent with him. I’m so happy I went out with him that night, met his friends, and partied, and just had fun! I couldn’t be more thankful.
The only thing I regret is not holding on more firmly to my heart. He didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, he did everything right. He was sweet, romantic, funny, and just a ton of fun to be with. Sure, he could be an absolute jerk and an asshole at times, but we all can. No matter what my friends might say, he never did anything wrong at all. He was perfect in every way. He really was and any girl would be lucky to have him. Sure, he could be sometimes insensitive, but I’m sure I was at times too. So it’s fine. We’re human. I love him but I’m not saying all this because I love him. I’m saying it because it’s true. The only reason it failed was because we wanted different things and that’s fine.
Sure, I wish he had done things differently, but I wish I had done things differently too. That’s life. We all do things we regret, we all wish there were things we could go back and change, whatever. It’s only natural.
I can’t convince anyone that he wasn’t an ass, but I was there and they weren’t. No, he didn’t always treat me right and he’d lie to me a lot, but I knew this. It was my choice to be with him anyway. End of story. He didn’t do anything wrong. He wasn’t deceiving me and I’m sure he knew that. And even if he didn’t, people do shit wrong. It doesn’t make them a bad person.
Out of all this, I’m so glad that I went with him that night. I’m so glad that I didn’t say no. I only regret falling in love with him because I knew from the beginning, he’d never love or care for me in the way I did for him. That’s my only major regret. At times, I regret having no gotten back together with him, but I think I’d regret it more if I had. I mean, why go into a relationship that’s doomed for failure right from the start? That’s stupid.
I’m also… glad that I ended it with him last Friday. I’m glad I called and left him that voicemail. I feel… free again. Like he’s no longer holding me back. I mean, I know logically that the only one holding me back was me, but still. Putting an end to it and cutting everything off just… it made it easier. I can move on now and that’s what I’m gonna do.
I’m sure he’ll be back around. I’ll definitely see him again. I mean, he owes me money for a truck I sold him. For now though, I’m not gonna worry about it. I’m just letting it go for the time being. Some of the stuff that can’t wait, I’m putting in my mum’s hands to handle. He knows my mum – he knew her before I knew him. lol. So it’s fine.
The hardest part is the fact that I’ll miss his smile. I really would have liked to see that again. But… I’m a little worried about what might happen when I see him again. Just like the last time, will he eventually come around and ask me to hang out. I don’t think I’d be able to say no if he did. I like to hope that I could say no, but I don’t think I really could. I don’t know what’ll happen if we meet again, but right now, I don’t think it’ll be any time soon. At least a month, perhaps longer.
Honestly, I think it’s better that way. I don’t want it that way, but this was never really about what I wanted. It was always about what was best. That’s how I’ve always looked at things. What was the most logically best decision. That’s what things have been about since the very beginning. I am a very logical person and though I did some illogical things while with him, most of the choices I made were logical. They were all about what was best, smartest, and the most logical choice. It was never about what I wanted.
You know, thinking about it now, things would probably change a lot if I did more stuff based on what I want rather then what is logical. Sometimes taking a leap of faith is better. Maybe one day I’ll do things that way. I don’t know though. I like logical. If it doesn’t make sense, I don’t like it or I try to figure it out. I don’t take ‘leaps of faith’ but maybe it would be better if I did.
Either way. This all puts an end to this chapter of my life. It’s changed me in a lot of was that I can’t even begin to try and explain. He’s turned me into a different person and right now… I’m not sure how good or bad that is. I just know that I could never go back to who I used to be. I don’t want too.