What’s Best Right Now

icon A lot of stuff happened the other night. Basically, Joey got me into a hell of trouble with some police. It wasn’t entirely his fault, I mean, I was the one who wanted to see him after all. That said, we were supposed to be meeting up where he was. Come to find out,t hat’s not the address he gave me. He decided that we were gonna meet at this place – it was a McDonald’s. I didn’t know that until I got there of course.

Well, it wasn’t all that big of a deal. I didn’t mind waiting there a few minutes for him. He said he’d be there in about seven minutes. So I estimated about ten. Well, that turned into nearly an hour. I woulda left, but the cops showed up and I got stopped. No license, no vehicle registration, stolen tags, everything. Joey knew I was driving like that and yet he still took forever! I was so pissed! I still am really. :/

I had no problem waiting for him for a few minutes. Honestly, I shoulda just left after fifteen minutes and said “fuck it” and gone home or at least waited at the Royal Farms right across the street. The McDonald’s was close while some workers inside did stuff. I don’t know the details and frankly they don’t really matter. I should have followed my gut but I didn’t.

So it was partially Joey’s fault for bullshitting me. It really felt like he had set me up to get stopped. The cops took my tags and thankfully didn’t impound the vehicle. I told them I could get it towed, so I asked them not to impound it. They didn’t, for which I am so thankful for! They did however give me ten tons of tickets. SO now I have to go to court for all that. :( I wish the cops would have given me just a warning, you know? It’s not like I have any type of record, at all. So I thought that was really unfair.

Anyway, I’m just thinking about stuff right now. A lot is going through my mind. What happened the other night, what’s been going on, and now the facts that Joey is completely ignoring my texts and basically avoiding me. I wonder if he knows how pissed I am? Actually… it’s more about how pissed I should be. I’m really not all that angry. It happened, I’ll go to court, the end. I’ll live.

I really just want to have a talk with Joey. There are just a lot of things that I need to clear up. Stuff regarding my feelings, things he’s said, etc. I just need to talk this through so I can work out this scrambled mess in my mind. So I told him that I really need to talk to him and he won’t get back to me. So he won’t even let me try to move on and I can’t do anything until I talk to him.

I’m to the point where I’m not eating anymore and I’m not getting enough sleep. I’ll fall asleep for a few short hours and I’ll be tossing the turning the entire time. Of course, I toss and turn just as much when I can’t manage to fall asleep. It’s like he’s taken over my entire life and I can’t manage to push him away. That’s why I wanted to talk things through, clear some crap up, and unscramble the thoughts wrapping themselves around inside my head. I’m so lost and confused and I just feel so stuck.

Honestly, I guess I shoulda known all along that it would go like this. I just wanted to hold on for a little longer. It’s not like we’re actually dating or anything. It’s probably better that we’re not. It sure feels like we are though – in a way anyways. He asked me to reconsider our break up. He begged me multiple times and on multiple occasions to reconsider. I finally do and he just walks away. How the hell does this even work?!

I love him, I really do, but he’s got some shit to work out with himself. He needs to stop moving around in fucking zig zag patterns. Dealing with him is like being on a roller coaster. This coast has got a million sharp zig zagging turns, swirls and spins, ups and downs, and it’s just not even funny! I feel so confused. I just can’t keep up with him. It’s like I’m trying to hold his hand with him dragging me in two separate directions. If he would just communicate with me, even a little bit, that would be a huge help!

I feel so stuck and lost and confused because I have no idea what’s going on! I get that he’s not always boyfriend material and he doesn’t always like to act like a boyfriend. I don’t ask for much though, you know. We could just go to the grocery store and I’d be thrilled. Just spending time together, doing whatever it is he does all day and that would be fine. We don’t have to necessarily go and do something special, go anywhere specific, etc. We can do his regular day to day stuff and that’s fine. I’d be happy.

If we just held hands, that would be enough for me. I’m really not hard to please. Yet… in a way, he makes it seem like I am. Like I ask for too much. All I’ve asked of him is to communicate and act like a boyfriend rather then a lover. Just let me be apart of his life and that would be it. That’s all I want. I’m not asking him to change who he is or what he likes. I’m just asking for him to include me basically. :( I don’t think that’s too much to ask for. He wants us to date and begs me to take him back and then the next minute it’s like he’s taking all that back.

At this point, I can pretty much guarantee that we’ll never be getting back together. We’re not even talking at the moment. I wish he could be at least a little bit reasonable. He works with me and I’ll work with him. Instead, he wants to work all on his own.

I’ve found one thing really strange though. It seems like the more I cared about him, the more he pushed me away. Normal things that he friends know about him, I can’t know. Things that he’ll tell anyone – even my mum! – but he won’t tell me. It’s like he’s afraid of getting to close to me. I ended up becoming friends with another ex-gf of his and I’m under the impression that he’s done the same thing with her too. For the record, I didn’t even realize they knew each other when we became friends. Lol. Small world. :D

Anyway, I guess I’ll just have to work this all out on my own. I am talking to his friend Mark, who I also became friends with. :) He’s a really nice guy, I’ve blogged about him before. I don’t know if I’d consider dating him, but we’re still friends. I do really enjoy spending time with him. We might hang out later today. I wonder if we’ll work on his truck? That would be fine. I don’t know anything about fixing vehicles, but I can always hand him tools and keep him company or something like that. ^-^ I think it would be nice.

All of this would just be a nice getaway from Joey and his crap. We need a break anyway, I guess. Lately he seems to act like I’m annoying him. He invites me out and then when he’s taking me home, he treats me like I’m an annoying bother. So whatever. I can’t change my feelings, but maybe I can at least try to work past them alone. I wanna move past all this.

For a little while there I was really wishing that I could go back and take back everything we did together. But… as I think more about that even idea, it makes me want to start crying again. I’ve never cried so much over a guy before. It’s pathetically hilarious. I have been just running around in circles.

I gotta say though, even though it’s ended so badly and painfully, I’m glad it happened. It’s better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. We had so much fun together and I met some cool people thanks to him. I’ve done things with Joey that I’ve never done before! I went off reading, got covered in mud, when to a few back woods parties, adventured into territories I didn’t even know existed, met some awesome people, saw a beautiful field where no lights even existed – only the stars, even snuggled up with him in the bed of his pick up truck, and even been tackled to the couch after I stole his cell phone.

I don’t want to take back any of those things. Right now those happy memories make me want to cry because I don’t want it to be over, but that said, I love those memories. I don’t have memories like that with anyone else. He’s taken over a part of my heart that no one else has ever gotten a hold of. Maybe one day we can work things out, but that day is not today. I’ll always love him to some degree, but I need to move on. I can’t wait around for someone who may never come around. You know? I just can’t do that. It’s not healthy. I need to do what’s best for me right now.

I just have to cut my losses, I guess. It’s not going to be easy and I’m sure there will be many more nights without sleep and even more days of no eating. But… I’m gonna make it through this. I went through way worse then a bad break up. It’s funny, I’ve been through so much abuse and trauma, but this upsets me the most. It’s just a boyfriend. Just a guy, but it upsets me more then anything else in the world ever has. That said, if I can make it through all the hell I already have, then I can make it through this too. :) I’ll make it. I always do.

One thing I wanna say… My romance with Joey was like that of a country song. Funny thing is that I’ve never even really listened to country music before getting together with him. Now it’s all I’ve been listening too. He’s caused changes in me that I never thought possible. I thought that I had put a stop to changing myself or allowing others to change me. That said, he managed to do what no one ever really has. And frankly, I’m not sure if it’s good or bad that I’ve changed. Some things probably are bad and I’ll go through and fix them. The other stuff, maybe I’ll keep those changes. :)

To think I would have my own country romance. It’s hilarious. Kind of romantic though. To think I would fall for a guy whose like my polar opposite. I guess opposites really do attract. :love:

I am going to miss his smile though. More then anything else. I’ll miss that the most, I think.