Offline, I come off as a really happy person, you know, the facts are, thats not true. My tweets are often sad and depressed, because I am sad and depressed. I’m not a happy person, its just something I like to fake. I can smile a lot anf laugh, but online, its not that easy. You can’t just fake a smile or a laugh because no one can see you. I don’t know how to write happy things that aren’t fictional in some book. Honestly, I have a hard time writing fictional happiness to honest. Its not easy.
To me, seeing people happy is so wonderful, but it makes me envious too, because I don’t know how to feel that. I love making people happy, because I guess to me, its a replacement for my own happiness. People are constantly jumping on me about my tweets being depressing all the time and saying that I’m unappreciative. The fact is, I am REALLY VERY appreciative of everything I have. I really don’t want that much. I mean, there are things that I would love to have, but if I don’t get them, its not a big deal. I won’t throw a fit over it.
I will say though, that I am a very selfish person, things that I have, i will not give up and if you take them from me, i will make sure that you never, in your entire life, live it down. I want what I have, even if I rarely use it. I’m protective of my things like a mother with a child. Its just the way I am. I’m afraid of losing things and it kills me inside when something is lost or taken from me.
It may sound stupid, and maybe it is, but if there was a fire and no one to save my things, I’d be sure that I too, died in that fire. That may sounds dramatic to you, but I can assure you, I am entirely serious. My stuff, is my life. I would put my things before any person (except my mum). I know why I do it too, its because I know that my objects, my things, will never hurt me, while people, they do.
All that being sad though, in the end, no matter what I have or get, yes, I am so happy to have it, but frankly, I’m not a happy person. I do know that things will get better then how they are now. I have no doubt. i’m a positive person, but I’m also a very unhappy person. I’m just like my Aunt Kerry I guess. She’s always been miserable too.
That being said, she loves making others miserable, which is something that I do not enjoy. I want everyone to be happy and safe and loved. I’ll do anything for someone, even if they’re my enemy or I know that they’ll hurt me in the end. I hate seeing others upset. I try to spread my love, because even though I’m not happy, I do have a lot of love to give. I love everyone, I really do. Sounds like, “Yeah, right, whatever.” But its true. Even those who have hurt me and I dislike, I love them too and I would do whatever they needed, should they been in need.
Sometimes though, doing everything for everyone else and then being treated badly or cut down by this person… It gets old. A friend once told me that I need to be around people who are good for me and make me happy. That I should try to avoid being around people who tend to just bring me down. As much as it hurts, I think they’re right. So slowly, I’m trying to cut the people out of my life (especially twitter) who bring me down about myself.
I hate being sad all of the time and maybe I have high expectations on what people should do to make me happy, but this is me. I protect myself. In order for you to make me happy, you have to past the test and its not easy. You see, I live by a rule book and it has very complex rules. Maybe One day I’ll write it out, but I’m sure that it would take me my entire life. Some rules apply only to me, some apply to others and what they need to do in order to make it somewhere with me.
I’m not saying you need to treat me like a fucking god or some stupidity like that. I simply want to be treated right. Don’t cut me down, talk to me. Explain what your feelings are should you feel I’m handling things wrong. Don’t say I’m coming up with excuses or acting childish over something just because you can’t understand. Just because I can accept the reality of something, that doesn’t make me childish or mean I’m making up excuses. believe it or not, I do know the difference. Maybe you don’t.
I ask that people never judge. See, what I show and say online, is really very little. I hide a lot. I don’t know why. Maybe its to protect myself from being hurt. Its what i do though. That said, I’m also very open, you ask a question, any question, no matter how personal, I will answer honestly. I don’t feel any need to hide things, it’s too much wasted work and effort. Its stupid to me. So I just tell people.
If you really want to learn about me, you have to know the right questions to ask, in order to really learn something deep. I don’t just outright share information usually. It might seem, to you, an outsider that way, but the things that I do share without being asked, compared to all I could, its really very little. Like I said, I’m very complex. What you see and read and think you know about me, its just the top layer. There are hundreds more. Its like a maze. As soon as you think you’ve reached the end, you find another set of doors you have to go through. It never ends. Its get frustrating to people, because with so many doors, they get fed up and just leave the maze. Giving up.
I, with others, I’ll go through the maze, from start to finish, no matter how long it takes. That being said, the only reason why I don’t finish is if they stop me, asking me then to leave or kicking me out. In which case, I don’t finish, but I’ll always try again if allowed.
I guess this just sounds like rambling to you. I don’t know. I really don’t care. its just an insight into someone you thought you knew. I take things point blank. I take the exact meaning out of something. I analyse things to death. I’m too pick. I’m imperfect. I’m a bit loopy. I’m depressed. I’m frustrating. I’m complicated. I’m loving. I’m me and I can’t be anyone else.
There is one thing I promise to everyone out there. In me, you will find someone loyal beyond words, who will love you endlessly and do everything for you. I’ll always try to bring you up and encourage and help you. I’ll travel the world to be by your side if you need me. I will never fade away. Just because we’re friends or even strangers. its stupid, but its what I do.