I’m tired of being criticized. I honestly feel like no one is listening. I explain, and people criticize the and say to do the same thing I just said that I did! I’m tired of it! I feel like I just keep repeating myself over and over and over again. Its driving me fucking crazy! I can’t even put it into words!
Honestly, if you don’t know the whole story or every little detail, then you can’t criticize. You only what know little bit I’ve told you. There’s a WHOLE LOT MORE then what you know or have read or what I’ve told you. I like making things seem better then what they really are. It helps me deal with things. It helps me stay afloat. So to you, it may seem like “okay, you’re homeless, lets find a solution!” but then when I deny or say how every solution you offer won’t work, you get mad. Its not because I’m not trying. Its because you don’t realizing or even have any idea, how bad things really are.
So in the end, you would rather criticize me and say how I don’t really want the help, when in reality, I’d kill to make some solution work! Anything! But I know the facts of the situation and sadly, you don’t. What’s worse, is sometimes the things I say don’t make sense. Like, my dad bitches about how he has to pay for everything and how we have no money. But we have 2 checks sitting here. He refuses to cash them. There’s a what the fuck moment right there. That’s my dad though. He’s always been like that. He would much rather bitch and blame people for shit then actually fix the problem.
Just like with the van. He refuses to fix it and would rather bitch about having to drive us places. However, I’ve said a million times, just give us the van back! We’ll find a way to go and get it. We’ll find our own way to get it fixed. So you (dad) don’t have to worry about it! You don’t have to deal with us any more! He says no. There’s another great example of a what the fuck moment that makes no sense.
What’s worse, is my life is full of these moments that re stupid, irrational, and make no sense at all. Which leads people to think I’m lying. Naturally, I would think I was lying too, honestly! But sadly, this is really how my family is. Its all fucked up and screwed up to the point it doesn’t make any sense. Its fit for a stupid, drama TV show. The shit that I go through, its so out there, that half the time it seems completely unrealistic! Sometimes I, myself, even half to stop and just look. I can see exactly why someone(s) wouldn’t believe me. I wouldn’t believe me!
Honestly though, I just wish that I could live a completely normal life. Do homework and need help. Get a bad grade or break up with my boyfriend. Get grounded for staying out too late! Having to drive some sister or brother to wherever! Just normal life stuff. But I don’t have a normal life and looking back, I never really did. I mean, divorce, it happens and that’s normal. I didn’t even have that. My parents were never married or even engaged. My mum was still married to her ex-husband when I was born because he didn’t want to sign the divorce papers even though they had been legally separated for years!
I would do anything just to have a normal life. To have all of the drama and pain that a normal kid has. To do normal things. To have friends and enemies. Just… to be normal. But I’m not. I don’t fit in and I’m not normal and no mater how much I beg to god, that’s not ever going to change. I’m stuck in this shit-hole for a life. No matter how much I hate it, I’m stuck with it. Its like a bad tattoo. You can get it surgically removed, but the fact is, you’re still going to see the scar.
Honestly, it seems like every time things start to get better, they get worse. Then I get criticized! That’s not helping me! That’s not helping anyone or anything! Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the help, I do. You just need to understand that I’m not saying “that won’t work” because I don’t feel like trying. I’m saying it because it really won’t work. There is something on my half that is keeping it from working.
I really am trying to fix things, but you have to understand, there’s only so much that I can do.